Raising a Boy
by That Friendly Writer
Summary: Shinji begins crossdressing in a misguided attempt at gaining his father's attention, further straining his relationship with Asuka.
1. Part 1 - Shinji

**Part 1 - Shinji**

Shinji lay on his back with his arm folded under his head, still wearing the earbuds from his SDAT even though the batteries had run dry a quarter of an hour ago. His room was dimly lit by a lamp on the desk. The yellow lighting combined with the beige walls, tan bedsheets, and coffee-colored carpet all melded into a dull soup around him as he stared up at the ceiling, his vision glazing over.

The sounds of Misato and Asuka getting ready for their respective nights out carried in through the open door.

"Misato, can I borrow your lavender perfume?" That was Asuka's voice.

"No, that stuff's not for kids." came Misato's reply.

Shinji rolled onto his stomach, pressing his face into the pillow. He wished they would hurry up and leave. All he wanted to do was think and he couldn't do that with their voices corkscrewing through his head every three seconds.

A clacking pair of high heels approached the door.

"Shinji-kun?" said Misato.

Shinji didn't turn over.

"We're leaving now. There's some leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry."

"Okay." said Shinji, his voice muffled.

"Are you all right?" asked Misato.

"Yes. Have fun at the wedding."

There was a pause, and then, "Alright. Don't stay up too late, you have a sync test tomorrow."

"Okay."

The heels clacked away again down the hall and Shinji could hear Asuka's incredulous voice from out in the kitchen.

"Is he _still _moping around in there? Honestly, just because we have plans tonight and he doesn't? If he wanted a date that badly he should go outside every once in a while."

"I think he's still upset about yesterday," Even though Misato spoke quietly her voice carried easily into Shinji's room.

Shinji heard the front door open.

"Whatever," said Asuka. "I bet he's just jealous that we have social lives and he doesn't." This was said in a louder voice than usual. Asuka's way of making sure Shinji didn't miss her comment.

The front door closed and, now that he finally had some peace and quiet, Shinji rolled back over to stare at the ceiling.

Yesterday.

Yesterday they had all done well on their latest in a series of sync tests. Asuka and Kaworu had been the reigning champs for the last few months, but lately Rei and even Shinji had stepped up in their performance. The sudden change had even been noticed by his father, who offered to take Rei out for dinner. Shinji must have let his disappointment show on his face because Misato quickly offered to take him out for ramen. What made Rei so special? They had both done well on the tests. Why hadn't Father taken him out to dinner, too? It just wasn't fair. Shinji knew he shouldn't feel jealous but he couldn't help it. His father had decided to reward Rei and only Rei, even though his own son had performed just as well and was standing not five feet from them.

"_You did well, Rei. Let's have dinner out tonight." _

Shinji could still perfectly recall how his father had spoken in that calm, deep voice. A voice so different from his usual gruff tones. A voice Shinji had never heard directed at him. Father had sounded so... relaxed and understanding. Proud, even. Yes, all of those things. His words conveyed every one of those feelings, and they had all been directed at Rei.

Shinji liked Rei. He liked all of his fellow pilots, but he and Rei seemed to be on the same wavelength. Whenever Asuka and Kaworu got too loud or excited or competitive, Shinji could always detach himself from the group and have a quiet talk with Rei. He didn't blame her for stealing his father's attention, but the resentment was still there. It was clear that his father preferred her over Shinji—over his own son.

After his mother's death, Shinji had been sent to live with his aunt and uncle. Father didn't want to have to deal with him. Father was too busy, or too angry, or too something to want to raise his own son. But when Shinji arrived at GEHIRN at his father's request so many months ago, he learned that his father had spent the last ten years bringing up a girl named Rei Ayanami.

Why choose her over his own son? Was it because Father felt no obligations around her? Maybe it was because Rei wasn't family. He could talk to her without feeling any obligation or fear. If he screwed up it wouldn't matter, she wasn't his kid. She wasn't his responsibility.

But there was something wrong with this theory, something that kept scratching ceaselessly at the back of Shinji's head like a cat trying to get out. The thing was, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for Rei to actually be a relative of his. Shinji had noticed it one day when forced to watch a video of himself and Rei during one of their worst sync tests yet.

Dr. Akagi, disappointed with Rei's and Shinji's performances that day, had made them watch the recorded video feeds from inside the Test Plugs. By watching the tests on video they were apparently supposed to ascertain exactly where and what went wrong with their thought patterns and why Asuka and Kaworu were doing so much better. Frustrated and more than a little annoyed, Shinji decided to focus on Rei's section of the video instead of his own. It was then that he noticed it, as he saw their faces on the screen side by side.

She looked a lot like him.

Shinji had never noticed it before, but the width of her shoulders, her jawline, her nose, even down to the way she leaned forward slightly in the Test Plug... it was almost as if she could be his sister or something. In fact, if he were to grow out his hair a little, _he _could be _her _sister.

Shinji cracked a reluctant smile at the thought, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. Maybe his father liked Rei better because she was a girl. Yes, that would make sense. Shinji's heart sped up as he clutched desperately to this latest theory. His father must have been disappointed when Shinji was born because he wanted a girl, so he dropped Shinji off at his aunt and uncle's and decided to raise Rei instead. But that still didn't explain why she looked so unsettlingly like himself.

So much like himself.

Shinji wondered whether anyone else had noticed it. He sat up, pulled out the long-silent earbuds and looked into the mirror on his desk. He turned his head to the side. Yes, if he grew his hair out a little more... maybe a dab of makeup here and there. Rei didn't wear earrings, but they might look nice on himself.

* * *

The door to Misato's room slid open. Shinji slipped into the room, stealing furtive glances over his shoulder. While it was true Misato was at a wedding recital and Asuka was on a date, Shinji wouldn't put it past either of them to come home early for some reason. He left the door open. This way, if one of them did come home early, it would be easier to hear them.

Misato's bedroom was a mess. Dirty laundry was scattered from the edge of her futon to the dusty space behind the dresser. A couple beer cans and an empty instant ramen bowl lay scattered around her pillow, and a matte black UMP was propped up innocently against the closet door. Carefully picking up the dangerous weapon with thumb and forefinger, Shinji moved it to a less conspicuous location before opening the closet.

There were a lot of women's clothes in there. Misato's GEHIRN uniforms were obviously the most worn, and there were a few fancy party dresses that seemed to be gathering a lot of dust. Shinji pushed them all aside to peer in the back but Misato's closet contained nothing he thought a normal girl would wear.

Shinji had better luck in the dresser. He purposefully started from the bottom drawer and, after rummaging through the layers of pants, finally decided on a short blue skirt that still had the price tag attached. In the next drawer up, Shinji took out a black shirt with a pink and blue polka-dot pattern. After hanging both shirt and skirt neatly over the back of the chair, Shinji turned back to the dresser. His hands hesitated over the knobs on the top drawer. He could still back out now and retain some semblance of dignity.

But then he would never know how he'd look.

Shinji pulled the drawer open, revealing a rather large collection of lacy bras and panties. He swallowed nervously. Picking out a pink bra, Shinji rubbed the fabric between his fingers. It didn't feel very comfortable. Setting it aside, he dug around for a matching pair of panties and decided on one with pink and white stripes. Shinji recalled when Misato had once told him never to wear both polka-dots and stripes because they clashed horribly. At the time, Shinji had laughed at the thought of ever having to actually need advice like that. The stripes would be worn out of sight, though. Not that anyone was going to see them anyway.

After laying out his selection of clothing on Misato's futon, Shinji stripped out of his own clothes. He folded them neatly and placed them aside, then picked up the pair of panties. He looked down at his naked lower body, then at the panties again. This probably wasn't going to work as well as he had imagined. He gingerly pulled the smooth fabric up past his thighs, expecting a sudden and horrible chafing. It didn't come. Actually, it felt kind of... breezy.

Next came the skirt which, after securing it around his waist, almost made Shinji look around for a missing piece. He was so accustomed to actual pants that wearing what was essentially a pair of pants without legs felt terribly incomplete, like he was naked from the waist down. Was this how girls felt all the time?

Shinji briefly considered stuffing the bra with socks or something, but decided against it. He put it on and spent a good four minutes with his back to the mirror trying to hook it together. It felt way too loose and hangy, but he couldn't really help that. The shirt came on over it and the tops of the lacy cups could be seen over the low neckline.

Shinji stood back a ways so he could see himself fully in the mirror. He turned this way and that, making the skirt flutter around his knees. "Father," he said in a higher, more feminine voice than usual. His voice cracked. He cleared it and tried again. "Father."

Shinji twirled around. He wished his hair was a bit longer.

While looking at the mirror, something caught his eye on top of the desk. Misato's makeup kit. He sat down in the chair and opened it up. She had obviously been using it just before she left because everything was a bit jostled and out of place. Or maybe it was always like that.

Shinji took out what he thought might be mascara. And this one was... blush? He couldn't tell. Nothing had labels and he didn't have any experience with makeup. That bullet-shaped one was lipstick though, he knew that. He popped off the lid, expecting to find a stick of bright red inside. In reality, it was a pale mauve. He pulled out and opened several others but they appeared to be mostly the same, some barely a shade lighter or darker.

Shinji scooted the chair closer to the desk and leaned forward. Concentrating on his reflection, he raised the lipstick and dragged it slowly over his bottom lip. It didn't want to spread, like dry paint on a brush. He rubbed it gently back and forth and, despite his concentration, smeared it a little here and there. He did his upper lip too, then smacked his lips together like he'd seen women do on TV.

His clumsy transformation complete, Shinji leaned back in the chair and stared at his reflection. He pushed up on the bra a little to give the illusion of it being filled. The lipstick was smeared a bit and obviously needed work, but it looked okay.

For a moment, Shinji could pretend he wasn't Shinji.

If he'd been born a girl, would he have been the one his father had taken out to dinner? He took Rei out to dinner even though Shinji had performed just as well. He had taken her out because she was a girl.

If he'd been born a girl, would he still feel this lonely? Everyone at school likes Asuka because she's attractive. She's attractive because she's a girl. Everyone likes her because she's a girl.

Shinji wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there, but the sudden click of the front door opening jolted him out of his reverie. He stood up so fast he knocked the chair backwards onto the floor with a clatter. A quick, panicky glance around the room told him the closet door was still open, as were the drawers on the dresser, not to mention all the makeup spread out over the desk. Shinji lifted the chair upright and scrabbled at the half dozen canisters of lipstick. Several slipped from his fingers and clattered loudly to the floor.

"Shinji?" It was Asuka. She was coming down the hall.

Heart pounding like a rabbit's, Shinji gathered up the lipstick and crammed them back in the case. It was too late. He wasn't fast enough. He couldn't get Misato's room back to the way it was _and _change out of these clothes. There was only one thing for it.

"Don't come in!" Shinji shouted, leaping for the door. Before he could shut it, Asuka stepped into view.

Time ground to a halt as they stared at each other, Shinji caught in mid-lunge.

Asuka's expression was uncomprehending. "You... you're..."

All Shinji could do was stare like a deer caught in a pair of headlights, stare and wish desperately that she would go away and conveniently forget everything.

Asuka took a step back. "You're... Oh my God..."

"I wasn't-" Shinji gasped, the rest of the sentence dying in his throat. He knew nothing he could say to save the situation. He prayed he could turn back time and make her forget.

Asuka bumped up against the wall. Then, her face a mixture of disgust and confusion, she turned and ran into her room—her red hair whipping behind her—and slammed the door shut.

Shinji staggered back. Could fourteen-year-olds have heart attacks? He couldn't get his heart to stop pounding. What if Asuka told Misato? Misato would kick him out. She'd never trust him again. He would always be that sneaky little pervert who rummages through people's private things. Shinji looked around wildly as if expecting a solution to pop out of the walls. He shut the closet door, then pulled off the shirt and bra, cramming them back into the dresser. Next went the skirt and panties, and then he was pulling on his own clothes again.

He ran out into the hall. Asuka's bedroom door was shut. He turned and went in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He scrubbed his lips clean and splashed water over his face. It didn't help calm him any. His hands were shaking. God, what if she told? Shinji stared at his reflection in the sink mirror. He was a boy again.

He was scared again.

* * *

Misato's eyes threatened to cross themselves into oblivion as she drove down the highway. Okay, maybe she should have let Kaji drive her home. Or Ritsuko. Or one of the others who watched her drink her way through several bottles of champagne. Lights flashed by in the darkness, the strobing effect serving to both keep her alert and distract her from the road.

By the time she finally reached the apartment complex it was a miracle she hadn't caused any roadside fatalities. It took her several tries to get the key in the lock because it was _so tiny_, a _little tiny _key. Like Alice in Wonderland. Misato giggled.

Inside, everything was quiet. Asuka must still be out, playing with her date. "Ah, to be young..." Misato sang wistfully, cracking her shin on the tea table and not feeling a thing. She hung her purse up on the rack, then realized Asuka's was there to. Misato stared blearily at the other purse.

Wait.

Wait, she's got this.

After a good ten seconds, Misato gasped. That must mean Asuka's home too, but then why was everything so quiet? _So very, very quiet. _Misato tip-toed down the hallway, then cracked open Asuka's door just a hair. Hopefully she was dressed. And not with a boy. Misato giggled again. The action made her head throb.

Asuka was lying flat on her back in the darkness, hands behind her head, staring up at the ceiling.

"Asuka," Misato whispered loudly. "You okay?"

Without moving her head, Asuka looked at the door. "Yeah."

"Is there anyone here I should know about?" Another giggle.

"No."

"Where's your date? Hiding in the closet?"

"He was boring. I left early."

Misato blinked. "Is he in the closet?"

Asuka rolled over, turning her back to the door.

"I'll just leave you two alone," giggled Misato, gently sliding the door shut.

Next up was darling Shinji-kun. Misato slid open his door just a crack. "Shinji?" she said in a loud whisper.

Shinji was lying on his bed, his back turned towards her. He didn't answer. Asleep?

"Shinji-kun," Misato hissed. "Are you alive?"

No answer. Must be sleeping, then. Sad little boy with no date.

"Okay, _goodnight_..." she drew out the last word in a long, rattling breath as she slowly shut the door.

Misato began stripping down as she tottered to her room, leaving a trail of clothes in her wake. Upon entering her room, she stopped in her tracks. Something was wrong. Something felt... out of place. It took her a moment to figure it out, but finally she got it. It seemed somehow _tidier _than when she left it. Oh well, whatever. She flopped down on her futon, half-clothed, and began snoring almost immediately.

* * *

"Shinji-kun, just relax. You've done this a hundred times before." Dr. Akagi's voice crackled through the intercom.

"I know," said Shinji, clenching the seat's handles. His brow furrowed as he forced himself to concentrate. "It's just... it's hard today."

Large bubbles of LCL floated up to the top of the Test Plug. Shinji could see his warped reflection in them as they passed in front of his eyes. Would it really be so hard to give him just one day off this week? He didn't want to do this today. He couldn't focus. Not now.

In the observation room, Ritsuko Akagi's eyes narrowed as she studied the readouts on the monitor. "This isn't good. Shinji's sync results are fifty-percent lower than usual." When no reply came, Ritsuko glanced over her shoulder. "Captain Katsuragi, are you listening?"

Misato was kneading her forehead with her palm. "Sorry, still a little hung over from yesterday. What'd you say?"

Ritsuko smirked. "Serves you right for drinking your way through all that champagne. Anyway, look at this."

Misato leaned over Ritsuko's shoulder. "Is that Shinji's? But he's been doing so well lately."

"Something's wrong," said Ritsuko. "A drop in his sync ratio like this isn't something you can just shrug off. Has something happened? At home, I mean."

Misato straightened up and crossed her arms, resting her elbows in her palms. "Well, for the past couple days he's been kind of depressed."

"Do you have any idea why?"

Misato frowned up at the video feed being displayed on the wall-sized screen. The interiors of all four Test Plugs were being shown. From left to right: Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langley Sohryu, Shinji Ikari, and Kaworu Nagisa. Rei's sync rating was an average forty-percent, and Asuka's and Kaworu's were both hovering around sixty. Shinji's was a measly eighteen-percent.

"I think it has something to do with his father." said Misato.

Ritsuko looked up behind them at the window Gendo Ikari usually watched the tests from. It was empty.

"Director Ikari isn't one to attend his children's baseball games." she said.

"He could've at least attended this one," said Misato. "Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."

"Anyone would be." Ritsuko mumbled, sipping her coffee.

"The least Director Ikari could do is give Shinji some encouragement." said Misato.

"Maybe you should tell him that yourself."

Misato smiled humorlessly. "Yeah, right. Maybe _you _should tell him."

Ritsuko was silent for a moment. She set down her mug. "I'll have Maya do it."

A minute ticked by as both women watched the video feeds of the four test subjects. They all had their eyes closed and looked relaxed with the exception of Shinji, whose face was screwed up in forced concentration.

"It's a shame we have to use children." Misato said quietly.

"The Committee thinks so too," said Ritsuko. "But not for the same reasons you do. The way they see it, children are far too unpredictable and temperamental. If we were to use adult subjects they think the sync results would be stronger and less prone to abrupt changes."

"Those know-it-all idiots," Misato scoffed. "If adult subjects turn out to be more stable than teenagers, I'll eat my badge."

"Oh? What makes you say that?"

Misato was silent for a moment. She stared up at the screen. "Because we're just as screwed up as they are."

* * *

Shinji sat hunched over on a bench in the break room, still wearing his form-fitting plugsuit, clutching a can of soda. It was cold even through the temperature-regulated gloves.

"Another wonderful day as a lab rat," Asuka sang, entering the room with an exuberance only she could pull off. "And another stack of perfect test scores. I wonder where Misato will take me out to eat this week? We've already gone to Chang's Chinese twice and their rice is _still _awful." Catching sight of Shinji's dull expression, Asuka fell silent. She looked away.

Kaworu bumped into her. "Whoops," he said, grinning. "You know, you really shouldn't stand in doorways. It's quite rude to everyone on the other side."

Asuka looked around. Kaworu was standing there in his purple plugsuit, with Rei just visible over his shoulder. It occurred to Asuka that he might've bumped her on purpose to get her to move. "Well, maybe everyone else should just use a different door, hm?" she said, hands on her hips.

"Or maybe you should trim a few pounds off that glorious bottom of yours?" said Kaworu, placidly. "Because, if you don't mind me saying so, no one here at the lab is interested in seeing it jammed in the break room doorway."

Asuka's jaw hit the floor. "You-" she spluttered, then let fly an unintelligible and highly varied string of swear words in both German and Japanese.

Breaking herself off from the quarreling duo, Rei sat down beside Shinji.

Even though he knew she was looking at him, Shinji kept his eyes fixed on the floor. Misato and Dr. Akagi had forgotten to switch off the intercom when they began talking about him during the test. All four children had heard what they said.

The two of them sat in silence for a few moments... as silent as one could sit when Asuka and Kaworu were in full argument mode right next to them. Rei was the one who spoke first, raising her voice slightly so Shinji could hear over Asuka's repeated assurances that yes, her butt was of average size for a girl her age and no, she didn't want to hear what Kaworu thought of it.

"You can't open it?" she said.

Shinji blinked. "What?" He looked down at the unopened can of soda. "Oh, no. I'm fine." He glanced over at her and immediately regretted it. He had always found her eyes to be very pretty. Two red orbs, like liquid rubies.

"Is it true that you are feeling jealous of me?" she asked in that quiet, detached way of hers.

Shinji found the strength—or was it weakness—to tear his eyes from her and look back down at the floor. Why did she always have to talk so bluntly?

"I don't know." he mumbled, and then, desperate to explain that it wasn't her fault, added, "It's just that... I don't know much about my father, and you seem to spend so much time with him. I'm his own son and yet you must know so much more about him than I do."

There was a silence.

"I don't understand." said Rei.

Shinji's hands doubled their grip on his soda... then relaxed again. It wasn't her fault.

After a brief pause he spoke again. "What's my father like?"

Rei seemed to consider the question. "He is... kind."

Shinji waited for more, but it did not come. "Why do you say that?"

"He has never done anything to intentionally harm me." said Rei.

"Oh." Shinji was silent for a moment. Maybe he didn't have to be close to Father in order to get to know him. Maybe he could find out everything he needed to know from Rei. "Hey, um... Rei?"

"Yes?"

"What does my father like?"

"I don't understand."

"I mean, what does he like to do? I only ever see him here at the lab. Does he do anything just, you know, for fun?"

Rei considered it. "We sometimes go to restaurants," she said, uncertainly.

"Well, okay, but... I mean, does he do anything else? Like, what are his interests?"

"I don't know," said Rei. "I suppose he enjoys science, particularly the fields of bioengineering and metaphysics."

Shinji sighed. This was going nowhere. If there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that his father liked Rei. Maybe if he asked her about _her _interests...

"What about you? What do you like?" Shinji asked. It suddenly occurred to him how ridiculous it was that he'd never asked her about this before.

Rei looked slightly taken aback. "I'm not sure."

He would have to be more specific. "What kind of clothes do you like to wear?"

"My school uniform is adequately comfortable," she said, thoughtfully. "And my plugsuit appears to be well-liked by people."

Shinji hesitated. "No, I mean, what do you wear normally? Not when you're at school or the lab."

Rei blinked. "I don't understand."

Shinji stared at her. "Don't... don't you have normal clothes?"

"I would at least consider my school uniform to be normal."

Shinji continued to stare, bewildered. Asuka's entire closet was crammed full of clothes, not to mention the dozens of boxes she still hadn't unpacked since she moved into Misato's place. Shinji assumed all girls liked to buy clothes.

"Don't you like to wear other things, though?" he prompted. "Like when you go out places?"

"I wear my school uniform on the occasions Director Ikari and I go out to eat." she said.

"You really don't have anything else to wear?"

"I don't need anything else."

Silence fell between them again. It was then that Shinji realized Asuka and Kaworu had stopped arguing. Asuka was complaining to no one in particular and kicking a vending machine she knew full well had been broken for the past three months, and Kaworu was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, sipping a drink and watching Asuka with one eye open.

"Hey, Rei?" Shinji asked, struck by a sudden idea.

"Yes?"

"Do you maybe want to go to the mall with me later?" He looked around at her.

She was staring at him. "The mall?"

"Yeah, we could go shopping and stuff. You can pick out some clothes."

"I have never gone shopping before."

"It's okay," Shinji said, and he almost felt like laughing. "It's not hard. I'll walk you through it."

Rei continued to stare.

"So, uh... I'll meet you there at four o'clock?"

Rei nodded.

Shinji smiled. "Okay. Good."

Dr. Akagi's voice blared out from the speaker on the wall. "Alright, you can all go home now. The test results have cleared. Thank you for your patience."

Asuka gave the vending machine a final kick, then clapped imaginary dust off her hands. "Well, I don't know about you three, but this lab rat's ready for some crappy Chinese. So, who wants to celebrate my excellence with me? Misato's buying."

Kaworu raised his hand. "I'll go as long as I can sit next to you." he said.

Asuka narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why would _you_ want to sit next to _me_?"

"Well, that way I won't have to look at your face while I'm eating."

Shinji winced as the argument erupted into life again, but he and Rei were saved the torture of listening to it when Misato entered the room.

"And that's another thing," Asuka screeched. "I don't have to take any kind of crap from..." Her voice petered out as she realized Kaworu was staring at something over her shoulder. Asuka spun around. "Oh, uh, hi Misato." she said, quickly. "We were just discussing where you were going to take us for lunch and-"

"I'm sorry, Asuka. We won't be going out to eat tonight."

"What?" Asuka moaned. "Why?"

"I think it would be better for all three of us if we ate at home more often," Misato continued. "You know, like a family? How does that sound, Shinji?"

Shinji looked up. "What? Oh, yeah. Sure."

Asuka glared at him. Shinji averted his eyes.

"Something tells me Shinji would rather us go out and leave him at home," said Asuka, hands on her hips. "You know, to catch up on his _private time?_"

Shinji stared at the floor. No one would understand what Asuka was really talking about, but nothing anyone could infer from that statement would be any good.

"Private time _is _a very important part of the day," Kaworu announced as he leaned against Asuka's shoulder. "A time to both reflect on past adventures and experience new ones."

Asuka shrugged him off. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were hitting on me."

Kaworu smiled. "I would never hit on a girl. It's not gentlemanly."

"_O_kay," said Misato, emphasizing the first syllable. She pushed Asuka and Kaworu apart. "You guys can stay here if you want to, but I'm ready to get home."

"Anything to get away from _this_ dork," said Asuka, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder at Kaworu, who pantomimed being shot in the heart.

"Shinji," Misato continued. "Go on and change. Asuka and I will wait in the car."

"Sure." said Shinji.

"I'll see you later, Ikari-kun." said Rei as she followed Misato and Asuka out of the room.

"Yeah, bye."

After the door shut, Shinji stood and made toward the boys' changing room. He stopped when he realized Kaworu was still there, watching him.

"W-What?" Shinji stammered.

"Oh, nothing." said Kaworu, shrugging with his palms upward. "I just overheard you and Ayanami talking."

Shinji felt his heart constrict. "Oh."

Kaworu, with unexpected speed, closed the distance between him and Shinji. Smiling, he leaned in close enough for Shinji to make out every minute detail of his red eyes. Red, just like Rei's.

Shinji looked away.

"You asked Ayanami out on a date." said Kaworu.

"No," Shinji said at once, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. "It's not like that..."

"Sure it is. You asked if she'd go to the mall with you, and she said yes. What can it possibly be but a date?"

"It's... it's not like that." Shinji repeated desperately.

"Then what is it like, Shinji-kun?"

Shinji hesitated. He supposed Kaworu had heard everything Misato had said in the observation room, but he still didn't want to talk about it. If no one mentioned it, Shinji could pretend it never happened.

"I just thought I'd help her around," he said. "I don't think she gets out much."

"I see," said Kaworu. "So, you don't mind if I join you, then?"

"W-What?"

"If it's not a date, I wouldn't be intruding if I tagged along." Kaworu said, eyes glinting. "You'll let me come, won't you?" He was close enough for Shinji to feel his breath on his lips.

Shinji leaned back. "Uh... sure..."

Kaworu straightened up and clapped his hands. "Well, that settles it. I'll meet you and Ayanami at the mall at four o'clock."

"Y-Yeah..."

Once Kaworu had gone, Shinji's shoulders sagged with exasperation. What had he gotten himself into?

* * *

The only sound in the kitchen was the gentle clinking of silverware against plates. Just like the last few times they had all eaten at the table together, Misato was the only one attempting to make conversation. It wasn't Shinji's fault, he just couldn't look Asuka in the eye after what happened last night.

"So, Asuka, you've got another date tonight?" Misato said in a tone that implied any further silence would mean double chores tomorrow. "Don't you think you're taking things a little too quickly?"

"It's not a date," Asuka said around a mouthful of potatoes. "Hikari won tickets to some stupid movie and she doesn't have anyone else to go with. I'm just going for the popcorn. Maybe she'll get bored and we can leave early."

"That's nice," Misato said with forced cheerfulness. "And how about you, Shinji-kun? Any plans?"

"Yes," said Shinji.

Both Misato and Asuka stared at him.

"I promised to help out with a project at school. It starts at four o'clock and I'll probably be stuck there for a few hours."

"Oh," said Misato. "It's not like you to volunteer at school. What kind of project is it?"

"It's something the theater club is putting together. An allegorical play about the Osaka Riots."

"Wow, sounds important. Do you need me to drive you?"

"No," said Shinji, a little too quickly. "I mean, I can walk. I need the exercise."

"See, Asuka?" said Misato. "You should give Shinji a little more credit. When was the last time _you_ helped out with a school project?"

Asuka stabbed a potato as if it had been solely responsible for the rape and murder of her entire family.

"Let's see," she said in mock thought. "Never. Happy? It's not like I don't do enough around here!"

Misato blanched. "What do you mean? You don't even do half the chores you're supposed to! Shinji's always the one who has to pick up the slack."

Asuka slammed her fork down and stood up. "It's not like I _ask _him to do my chores!"

"Someone has to do them, Asuka." said Misato.

"I'm finished," Asuka scoffed, tossing down her napkin and walking away.

"Asuka, get back here and clean off your plate!"

"Why don't you just make Shinji do it?" Asuka shouted from the other room. "Doesn't he do _everything _around here?"

Misato sighed_. "_That girl's going to give me gray hairs if this keeps up."

Shinji absently pushed his food around his plate. "Misato, why do you think my father never got re-married?"

Misato blinked. "Huh? Oh, I don't know. I haven't known him for very long. You know how it is... stuff like that just doesn't come up between us."

"I just thought... maybe you heard something..." Shinji didn't look up from his plate. "Do you think he might get married again if he found the right person?"

Misato leaned her elbows on the table. "I have no idea." She paused. "Why the sudden interest?"

"No reason. I just thought, you know, I hadn't seen him in a long time. A lot can happen in ten years." He looked up at her. "What if I had a sibling I didn't even know about?"

Misato looked like she might laugh.

Shinji quickly lowered his eyes to his plate again. "Never mind."

"You could always ask him, you know." Misato said, smiling and resting her chin on folded hands.

It was Shinji's turn to laugh. "Yeah, right."

"He would give you an honest answer."

"I doubt it."

The rest of the meal passed in silence.

* * *

Shinji ran down the sidewalk as quickly as he could, stealing glances at his watch every few minutes. The mall was farther away from Misato's apartment than he thought. He had only been there once when he first came to Tokyo-3, and Misato had driven him then. He just hoped she wouldn't make a surprise visit to school and find him mysteriously absent from the theater club. According to his watch it was already half past four. He would be lucky to make it before five.

It only took Shinji another fifteen minutes to reach the Tokyo-3 mall, a sprawling conglomerate of white buildings that served as the center of the shopping district. Sweating and gasping for air, Shinji doubled over outside the glass doors, trying to catch his breath. After he could breathe normally again, he looked around the crowd of people gathered just outside the entrance. Rei and Kaworu weren't there. Shinji automatically checked his watch. What if they got tired of waiting and went on without him? Or what if they had just given up and left? He would have to apologize tomorrow at school. Shinji mentally kicked himself. He should have checked the distance between-

"Shinji-kun!" called a familiar voice.

Shinji looked around. Rei and Kaworu were walking towards him, each carrying an ice cream cone.

"We were getting worried about you," said Kaworu as they approached. "What kept you?"

"Sorry," said Shinji. "I... I didn't have a ride, and the walk was farther from Misato's than I thought. I really tried to-"

Kaworu waved a dismissive hand. "Don't worry about it. Ayanami and I decided to go for a little ice cream to pass the time. I think she likes it," he added with a nod in Rei's direction.

Rei licked the swirl of vanilla soft-serve. "Hello, Ikari-kun."

"Hi," Shinji said, smiling. He wondered if she actually liked vanilla or if she had only chosen it because it was the plainest thing on the menu. "Do you like your ice cream?"

Rei nodded.

"They have a great little picnic area outside the food court," said Kaworu. "Why don't you get yourself an ice cream too, Shinji-kun, and Ayanami and I will go find a table."

"Yeah, okay."

After spending five minutes working his way through smoothie vendors to find the little kiosk Kaworu and Rei bought their ice creams from, Shinji met up with them outside the food court. They were sitting at a small, wrought-iron picnic table. Rei looked particularly pretty with the wind blowing through her hair.

"Look at us, spending money before we even get inside." Kaworu laughed. "Putting ice cream and smoothie vendors right outside the doors is a terrible business strategy. We'll be broke before we even start shopping."

Rei froze in mid-lick and glanced at Kaworu.

Kaworu seemed to remember something. "Ah, yes, I forgot. Sorry, Ayanami." He turned to Shinji. "See, Ayanami doesn't have any money. It's not a big deal, but she seemed particularly worried about what your reaction might be." Even when he was breaking bad news, Kaworu never stopped smiling in that supercilious way of his.

Rei blushed behind her ice cream cone. "I'm sorry. I've never gone shopping before..."

"It's okay," Shinji said at once. "I brought extra. If you see something you like, just let me know and I'll pay for it."

It was true. Shinji rarely bought anything but food or school supplies these days, and the prospect of sharing his money with Rei, who had never done so much as buy a pair of shoes for herself, actually made him feel good. He knew she wasn't like Asuka who would pretend she had less money than she really did in order to borrow an extra few thousand yen from Misato.

"Thank you." said Rei, staring down at her half-eaten cone. She seemed to hesitate, and then, "I mean... thanks, Shinji-kun." She glanced sideways at Kaworu, who gave her an approving wink and a thumbs-up.

Shinji blinked. "Uh... yeah, sure. Do you want to go inside, then?"

They nodded and, after disposing their trash, walked through the double glass doors into the ultra-modern Tokyo-3 mall. As they worked their way inside, trying not to lose each other in the crowd, Shinji couldn't help but feel happier than he had in weeks. Relaxing with his friends at the mall had never really been an option open to him before now. Despite these feelings, or perhaps because of them, Shinji felt it necessary to remind himself that he wasn't there for Rei, or for Kaworu, or for ice cream. He was there to learn about his father's likes and dislikes.

Shinji wondered if his father preferred girls who wore low-cut dresses or more sensible ones.

He would have to ask Rei.

* * *

Even through the thick glass display case, the two clusters of perfectly shaped crystal glinted mesmerizingly in the light. Like a tiny collection of prisms the earrings caught the light and dispelled it in a multitude of colors over their smooth and subtly pink surfaces. Shinji stared down at them, momentarily hypnotized by their beauty. He wasn't distracted enough not to notice the price tag, however, and it was far more than he could afford.

"Something catch your eye?" asked the clerk behind the counter.

Shinji looked up, startled. "Oh, uh, no. Just looking."

"You sure? That's rose quartz. Any young lady would be glad to receive that as a present."

"Uh, no, I'm sure. Thanks anyway." Shinji backed away from the counter, then turned and bumped into Kaworu.

"Find something you like?" he asked.

Shinji stepped back. "N-No, it's okay."

Kaworu moved past him to look at the display. "Rose quartz earrings, hm?" he said, hands deep in his pockets. "Those are very pretty. Thinking about buying Ayanami a present?" He glanced at Shinji. "Or are they for someone else?"

Shinji blushed and looked away. "It's... kind of out of my price range." he said, delicately avoiding Kaworu's question.

"That's unfortunate," Kaworu sighed. "It's a rare treat to find something that captures your attention so completely."

Shinji didn't know what to say to this. "Where's Rei?"

"Oh, I think she's still over by the necklaces." said Kaworu.

Shinji looked around. Rei was standing at another display halfway across the store, talking with the young man behind the counter. The man in question was wearing a black pinstripe vest and matching pants like all the other clerks, and he had smooth dark hair and eyes that glinted almost as much as his merchandise. He leaned forward on the counter, smiling and chatting with Rei in a low voice.

"It seems you aren't the only one around here distracted by pretty things," said Kaworu, grinning.

Without really thinking about it, Shinji walked over to them. "Did you find something you wanted to buy?" he asked Rei.

She looked around, her cheeks slightly flushed. "I don't know..."

Shinji glanced at the handsome clerk, who returned his gaze with something bordering on hostility. Unnerved, Shinji quickly looked away.

Rei was staring down at a necklace in the display case, her fingers resting lightly on the glass. It was a small gold-plated cross supported by a silver chain. A tiny diamond was inserted into a circular groove at each of the cross's points. The price would have Shinji eating nothing but instant ramen for the next decade.

"Do you like that?" Shinji asked, hesitantly.

Rei nodded.

It was a mistake to come in here. Out of all the places they could have visited, Shinji had to choose the most expensive jewelry store in the entire mall. He should have known better than to come here first.

The clerk snapped his fingers under Shinji's nose. "Hey, kiddo. You gonna buy your girl a necklace or what?"

Shinji opened his mouth, but only a hesitant gurgle came out. What was he going to say? He had told Rei it was okay for her to buy something with his money. He couldn't just tell her 'no' or she would be upset with him. "It's... it's a little expensive..." he mumbled.

Neither appeared to have heard him. The clerk was talking to Rei again in a low voice that Shinji could nevertheless hear perfectly, being as close as he was.

"I could always give you a special discount," he was saying under his breath. "I think it'd be a waste not to sell you this, I really do think it would look great on you. Not a lot of people could get away with wearing something like this, but you could definitely make it work."

"Do you think so?" Rei asked, quietly.

"Oh, yes. Would you like to try it on?"

Rei nodded, her eyes wide.

Shinji silently moved away. He didn't want to hear anything else this guy had to say and he didn't want to see Rei's inevitable disappointment when he told her he couldn't afford what she wanted. But Kaworu seemed to step out of nowhere and block Shinji's path.

"Having trouble?" he asked.

Shinji glanced back over at Rei. "No..."

Kaworu gave Shinji's shoulder two firm pats and strode past him to the necklace display. Shinji followed reluctantly.

"Yes?" said the clerk, scowling at them as they approached. "Can I help you?"

Rei had the necklace on. She was holding her hands up awkwardly, the tips of her fingers barely making contact with the silver chain wrapped delicately around her pale neck. Her cheeks were bright red.

"No, I think we're done here." said Kaworu. "Ayanami, that necklace is very expensive. We'll go have a look in a different store, okay?"

Rei looked surprised, but then she nodded and carefully lifted the chain over her head. "Thank you for letting me try it on," she told the clerk, who was glaring at Kaworu. "It is very pretty."

"Mm-hm," grumbled the clerk, ducking down to replace the necklace.

It was then that Shinji noticed Kaworu was carrying a small bag with the store's logo on it. "Kaworu," he said, "did you buy something?"

"Oh, yes." said Kaworu, smiling. "Just a little something. I'll model it for you later if you want."

"Th-That's okay."

The three teenagers exited _The JewelFront_, pausing just short of the crowd swarming past outside.

"That man was very kind," said Rei. "He seemed to enjoy talking to me."

Shinji frowned uncomfortably. "You shouldn't believe everything people say. He was probably just trying to flatter you so you'd buy the necklace... and stuff."

"I don't understand."

"What Shinji-kun is trying to say," said Kaworu, grinning. "is that people will say whatever they think you want to hear just to get into your pants."

Rei blinked. "I'm wearing a skirt."

They stepped out and were immediately swept up by the crowd. When they first made their way through the mall up to this point, Shinji and Kaworu had to spend ten minutes searching for Rei after she abruptly disappeared. It turned out she allowed the crowd to push her all the way back to the food court without so much as a word of protest. Sometimes Shinji thought she might be too polite for her own good. Now he kept one eye on her and the other on the selection of stores passing them on both sides.

"Hey, look at this," said Kaworu, raising his voice above the din. He nudged Shinji and pointed to a kiosk on their left. By the time Shinji looked back around, Rei had been blocked by a couple overweight tourists and was waiting patiently for them to move. Shinji made his way back to her and took her hand.

"This way," he said, hurrying to catch up with Kaworu.

"Want to get your ears pierced?" Kaworu called, grinning. He was standing by a small kiosk operated by a woman holding what appeared to be a tiny gun. Judging from the graphic on the side of the pagoda, it was a place to get your ears pierced. A selection of small, cheap earrings were encased in a display on the right.

"How about it, Rei?" Shinji asked her. He realized he was still holding her hand and let go of it quickly.

"Actually," said Kaworu, his grin more pronounced than ever. "I was asking _you_, Shinji-kun."

"M-Me?" Before Shinji could move away, Kaworu threw an arm around his shoulders and guided him to the kiosk.

"I saw you looking at those earrings before," Kaworu said. "Come on, it doesn't hurt as much as you think."

"I-I don't think-" Shinji spluttered as Kaworu pushed him into the chair. It reminded him of the kind you were strapped to just before the dentist fired up his drill.

"Oh, come on. Just one? It's very fashionable for a boy to have a single ear pierced. Isn't it, Ayanami?"

Ayanami opened her mouth hesitantly to reply, but before she could say anything the woman with the piercing-gun approached them.

"We're running a special," she said, unsmiling. "Half price if you get both ears done."

"Th-That's okay," Shinji choked. "I don't think we're-"

"Sounds good to me," said Kaworu. "Sorry Shinji, I'm running low on funds after that last store."

The woman swabbed Shinji's ear with something soft and ice cold.

"But-" Shinji's voice cut out and his heart sped up as he felt the tip of the gun on his earlobe. "Wait! I'm not ready!"

There was a loud _clack_ and Shinji cried out sharply in pain.

"See, now that wasn't so bad, was it?" said Kaworu.

Rei was frowning worriedly at the expression on Shinji's face.

"You said it wouldn't hurt as much as I thought it would," Shinji grimaced, resisting the urge to feel his ear.

"Well, look at it this way," said Kaworu. "You're already halfway done. One more and it'll be over."

"One more?" Shinji exclaimed. The woman was already swabbing his other ear. "You said I didn't have to-" Shinji let out another yelp that caused a small group of girls passing by to look over and giggle.

Five minutes later, the three of them had rejoined the crowd. Shinji had been given two small, round earrings to keep the holes from healing over. "I can't believe you made me do that," he grumbled, gingerly feeling his sore earlobes. "Asuka's going to kill me."

Kaworu laughed. "What's the matter? Don't you like them? I think you look good with earrings. Oh, hey," he added, pointing off to their right. "Let's go in here for a second. I like this place."

After deciding never to let Kaworu make another decision for him ever again and checking that Rei was still with them, Shinji reluctantly followed him into _Absolute Territory, Ltd._

It was like walking into a nightclub—or at least what Shinji assumed a nightclub was like. The store was darkly lit with strobing multicolored lights and music blasted out from huge quivering speakers crammed into every corner of the room. Shinji plugged his ears against the sudden assault of noise. Rei looked rather uneasy.

Kaworu had gotten halfway to the jeans section before realizing his friends were falling back.

"What's wrong?" he called above the noise.

Shinji mimed something that might have been an attempt at politely letting Kaworu know he would rather try a different store, but miming was hard when you had both hands jammed up against your ears. They all stepped back outside. Shinji dropped his hands.

"Do you mind if we try someplace else?" he asked, hesitantly. "We can, uh... maybe come back here later? I don't think Rei's going to find anything she likes in that store."

"Oh, alright then." said Kaworu, pleasantly. "Where did you want to go, Ayanami?"

"I'm not sure."

"We can try _Arianne's._ Everyone seems to like that place." Kaworu offered.

_Arianne's _was a large store at the very far end of the mall. After heading inside they took the escalator to the second floor where the women's and girls' clothes were. Kaworu excused himself to use the restroom, leaving Shinji with Rei as she browsed the items hanging on a nearby rack.

"Hey, uh... Rei?"

"Yes?" she said without turning around. The metal hangers scraped along the top bar of the rack as she searched for something she liked.

"My father... um... how did you meet him?"

"I have always known Director Ikari."

Shinji rubbed his arm uncomfortably. Maybe he could approach this another way. If she could be blunt with him, he could be blunt with her, right?

"I don't think my father likes me very much." he said.

Rei glanced at him over her shoulder, then turned back to the clothes rack. "Why?"

"He never talks to me unless he has to." Shinji paused. "Do you think he might hate me?"

Rei was silent for a long time. "I don't understand."

Shinji clenched his hand. Of course that would be her answer. But if Rei didn't know—Rei, who was closer to his father than anyone—then who would? Before he could rephrase his question, Rei turned to face him, holding up an outfit she got off the rack.

"Do you like this?" she asked. It was a black dress, its neck extremely low-cut and box-shaped. Sewn on the inside was a gray knit top with four big black buttons that seemed to serve no purpose besides decoration.

Shinji did like it. It would look cute on her, and if it would look cute on _her_...

"Yeah," he said. "It's very nice. Do you want that?" He glanced surreptitiously behind her to see if there was another one.

Rei nodded. "Yes. Thank you, Ikar- Shinji-kun."

It was then that Kaworu rejoined them. "Find something?" he asked. Rei showed him the dress. Kaworu nodded. "Ah, yes. That will look absolutely stunning on you, Ayanami."

A circular checkout counter was only a few steps away, close enough for the clerk to overhear them. "All finished?" he asked.

Shinji took the dress from Rei and laid it across the counter.

"Just the one?" the clerk asked.

"Two, please." Shinji said without thinking.

"I'm sure Ayanami only needs one, Shinji-kun." said Kaworu. Rei nodded.

Shinji looked over his shoulder, blushing. "Oh, uh... yeah, right. I know."

The clerk was staring at him, hesitating before ringing up the item. "Do you want one or two?" he asked.

Shinji swallowed. He could always pretend to buy one for Asuka, but that would lead to awkward questions. Besides, what would happen if Kaworu asked Asuka about it later and she said she never received it? Shinji had never been good at lying. His hands clenched the edge of the counter. He cleared his throat. "I guess... I guess just-"

Kaworu laid a second dress over the first. "Actually, we'll go ahead and take two after all."

Shinji looked around at him in surprise. "But..."

Kaworu simply shrugged. "Hey, you never know."

After they paid, Shinji's wallet wasn't feeling as light as it should be. Kaworu had decided to pay for the second dress although Shinji had no idea why. It couldn't be for the same reasons Shinji had wanted it. Kaworu just didn't seem like the type.

Despite the setting sun and darkening sky, Shinji didn't want to go home quite yet. He still hadn't been able to talk at length with Rei, and his father seemed more distant than ever. The whole trip had been pointless. Rei was still his father's favorite and Shinji was no closer to figuring out why or what he could do to change that.

Kaworu and Rei stood with him outside the mall entrance, the cool evening breeze gently pulling at their hair. Rei was smiling. It was good that she was able to act like a normal kid, even if it was only for one day.

Kaworu caught his eye. "Well, it's getting rather dark out. We should head home."

"Yeah," said Shinji. It hadn't been a completely pointless trip, after all. Rei got some normal clothes to hang in her closet beside the dozens of school uniforms. Still, if he could have only had five more minutes...

"Shinji-kun?" Rei stood in front of him. "Thank you very much for the dress."

Shinji blinked. "Oh, yeah. You're welcome."

Rei hesitated. Shinji could make out Kaworu giving her an encouraging gesture out of the corner of his eye.

"Would you... would you like to do it again?" she asked.

It took Shinji a moment to realize what she was saying, then he laughed. "I don't think my legs could take another trip through the mall tonight, to be honest. Why? Did you think of something else you wanted?"

"No," said Rei. "I mean some other time. Would you like to come back here with me? I will bring my own money."

"Oh, sure." said Shinji. "Does that mean you had fun today?"

Rei nodded.

Kaworu threw his arms around both their shoulders and leaned between them. "Well, this has certainly been an eventful day, but what do you say we head home, hm?"

"S-Sure," Shinji stammered.

"My apartment is this way," said Rei after Kaworu mercifully released her. "Goodnight. Thank you again."

"See you tomorrow at the lab," said Shinji, waving. Kaworu waved too, then, as Rei walked away, pulled Shinji close to him.

"Say, you wouldn't mind if I walked you home, would you?" he asked.

Shinji tried to pull back a little but Kaworu held him firmly. "Uh... I guess not. Isn't your house the other way, though?"

"Oh, I don't mind. I couldn't let someone as slight and delicate as you walk the streets alone at night."

Shinji swallowed nervously. Kaworu had a peculiar way of speaking that always made him feel a little uncomfortable. "If you say so," said Shinji, and Kaworu finally released him.

The sidewalk was dimly lit with evenly-spaced street lamps. Shinji and Kaworu walked in silence most of the way. The latter spoke up once the top of Misato's apartment came into view, silhouetted against the starry sky.

"That was a very nice dress Ayanami picked out, wasn't it?" said Kaworu, hands folded behind his head as he walked.

"Yeah, I guess." said Shinji in what he hoped was an indifferent voice.

"I'm sure she'll look very pretty in it," Kaworu glanced at Shinji out of the corner of his eye. "Of course, it would probably look just as pretty on you."

Shinji felt his heart lurch. Panicked suspicions immediately began taking form in his mind. Had Asuka told him what she had seen last night? It certainly seemed that way. Kaworu wouldn't just say something like that for no reason.

"Boys don't wear dresses, Kaworu."

"They don't? Well, they should. I think it would be nice, don't you?"

Shinji rounded on him. "Look, I don't know what Asuka told you, but I never-"

Kaworu raised his hands in an innocent gesture. "Sohryu? She didn't tell me anything. You really are quick to jump the gun, aren't you?" Kaworu lowered his hands and his voice took on a more serious tone. "I saw the way you looked at that dress, Shinji-kun. You wanted one for yourself."

Shinji looked away, his cheeks flushing angrily. "Don't say stuff like that," he mumbled, starting to walk again.

"If you wanted it," said Kaworu. "you should've bought one. Or were you afraid Ayanami and I would say something?"

"I didn't want that dress," Shinji insisted. "Not for whatever weird reason you're talking about."

Kaworu was silent for a moment. "You should at least be honest with yourself, Shinji-kun... even if you're not honest with me."

"Are you saying I wanted to... to... _wear _that dress?" Shinji said, and he let out a bark of laughter that sounded so unlike himself. "Really, Kaworu? That's just insane, even for you."

Kaworu shrugged.

They walked the rest of the way home in silence.

* * *

The lights were off inside Misato's apartment. She and Asuka were still out, then. Shinji flicked on the lights and turned to say goodbye to Kaworu, but he had already stepped in and shut the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I've never seen your apartment before, Shinji-kun." said Kaworu, grinning. "Do you mind?"

"Not really." Shinji turned away. He wasn't in the mood to listen to Kaworu's snide hints about what Asuka had surely told him. It would be bad enough had she reported the scene accurately, but knowing Asuka she probably added as many embellishments to the story as she could.

There was a rustling of plastic shopping bags behind him as Kaworu rummaged through them, and Shinji turned to look in spite of himself.

Kaworu was holding up the dress he bought by the hanger, giving it an appraising look. He grinned and held it out to Shinji. "Well? Does it still look as good as it did in the store? Sometimes I find that clothing looks a bit different once you bring it home. Something about the change in lighting, I think."

Shinji didn't know what to do. His heart began to race like it had last night. "I... I don't know what you're talking-"

"It's yours," said Kaworu. "I bought it for you. Take it."

Before Shinji could protest, Kaworu draped the dress over his arm.

"I don't want-" Shinji began, but Kaworu cut him off.

"Yes you do. But what I don't understand is why. Can you tell me? I don't think you're the type to play for the other team, if you catch my drift." he added with a wink.

Shinji blushed and looked away. Kaworu had trapped him in a corner and they both knew it. Any lie he could think up would only make things worse, not that Kaworu would believe a word of it anyway. "I... I just thought, maybe..." Shinji hesitated, then his shoulders sagged with the weight of defeat. He could tell Kaworu. He wouldn't be laughed at. "I thought my father might... like it." he said, the last two words spoken so quietly they were almost inaudible.

Kaworu nodded sagely. "I see. Because of Rei?"

Shinji nodded, unable to look directly at him. "Please don't tell anyone."

"What's there to tell?" said Kaworu. "You want to look pretty for your father, that's all."

When Shinji looked up he realized Kaworu had moved much closer to him. He took a step back.

"Well?" asked Kaworu. "What have you tried so far?"

"W-What do you mean?"

Kaworu laughed. "You live with two women, Shinji-kun. Don't tell me this is the _only _dress you've ever had eyes for."

Shinji blushed and looked away again. "Well... I sort of tried some of Misato's things..."

"Too big, right?" Kaworu tittered and slowly shook his head. "Should've tried Asuka's room first. She's closer to your size."

It was too much. Shinji couldn't keep it quiet anymore. Someone had to know. He had to tell someone, anyone.

"Asuka saw me!" he blurted. "She saw me in Misato's room, Kaworu! What do I do? She'll tell somebody at school tomorrow, I know it. I can't take this kind of stress. What if she got pictures, too? You have to help me!"

Kaworu raised his eyebrows. "Oh, so that's what's been bothering you. Well, not much you can do about that."

Shinji stared at him, horrified. How could he be so dismissive? Didn't he know Shinji's entire life could be ruined if Asuka told someone? Misato would be disgusted. Dr. Akagi would think he was neurotic. Rei wouldn't want to be seen anywhere near him. Father would...

_Father_...

The sight of Kaworu disappearing down the hall snapped Shinji back to reality.

"Hey, wait," Shinji called, carrying the dress with him. "Where are you going? You can't go in there, that's Asuka's room."

"She's not here, right?"

"She'll kill me."

Kaworu opened the door. "Go on. Let's see if that dress fits. I'll wait out here."

Shinji hesitated. "Can't... Can't I do it in my own room?"

"You'll be needing undergarments, won't you?" asked Kaworu.

When faced with the choice of answering that question or going into Asuka's room, Shinji found it surprisingly easy to choose. He went inside and shut the door behind him.

Sneaking into Asuka's room wasn't like sneaking into Misato's. Shinji wasn't sure why, but it felt... _different _somehow. Forbidden. Out of bounds.

Shinji slowly made his way over to the bed and spread out the dress on Asuka's comforter. It really was a nice outfit. He wondered how his father would react if he saw him wearing it. Would he be upset? Angry?

Would he like it?

Shinji opened the top drawer of Asuka's dresser and, just like he had done in Misato's room, he hesitated. Once again, invading Asuka's privacy like this felt different than doing the same to Misato. These were Asuka's_ panties _for crying out loud. He couldn't touch those. He couldn't _wear _those. She'd kill him. Even so, he pulled out a white pair. As his fingers touched the smooth fabric, he felt a thrill that had nothing to do with wanting to put them on.

"Shinji-kun, do you need any help?" said Kaworu from the other side of the door.

"N-No! I'm fine. Don't come in." Shinji hurriedly stripped out of his own clothes and set them aside. He pulled on Asuka's underwear. They were much smaller than Misato's, almost too small. Shinji plucked at the back as he felt them ride up. Not bothering with a bra this time, Shinji slipped on the dress. It took him a minute to figure out why it didn't feel quite right. The back had to be zipped up.

He opened the door.

"Well now," said Kaworu, hands on his hips. "Don't you look nice."

Shinji blushed. "I... I need... can you zip the back?" he stammered, turning around.

"Sure," said Kaworu. He grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and gently propelled him back into Asuka's room.

Shinji felt his heart speed up at the touch. "W-What are you doing?"

"You dressed far too quickly," said Kaworu. "I bet you didn't even look in the mirror." He zipped up the back of the dress, then dragged Shinji over in front of the floor-length mirror.

Shinji was almost unrecognizable. Sure, his face was the same, but if he kept his eyes focused on the neck down, he could pretend...

"Sit down." said Kaworu, gently.

"What?"

"Here," Kaworu led him over to the chair in front of Asuka's vanity. He opened the drawer and began pulling out a wide variety of makeup.

"Do you know how to use those?" Shinji asked, hesitantly. He didn't want to end up with blush all over his eyelashes, or anything like that.

Kaworu chuckled. "Of course."

"But..."

"Just hold still." He took a small black brush and applied a dark powder to it from a plastic palette. He leaned in close and expertly began brushing just above Shinji's right eye, his movements precise and gentle.

The minutes ticked by, and Shinji found himself unable to remain quiet. He could trust Kaworu and he needed to hear from someone—anyone—that his fears were unfounded.

"When Asuka found me in Misato's room... I was so scared. I thought everyone was going to find out."

"That's understandable," said Kaworu, not taking his eyes off the makeup he was applying.

"It was all I could do afterward not to run away. I thought maybe if I left that night, everyone just... everyone might just forget. I was so scared."

"Scared of Asuka?" Kaworu asked. "Or scared of something else?"

Shinji had to think about it for a second. "I guess I was scared everyone might hate me."

"Why would they hate you?" Kaworu walked around to Shinji's other side and, after applying a fresh coat of powder to his brush, began work on his right eye.

"I was wearing a skirt. Asuka saw me wearing a skirt, Kaworu. What if everyone found out? She could still tell someone."

"And then what would happen?"

Shinji found it hard not to move his head to look away. "Father would find out."

"So?" said Kaworu. "That's why you want to do this, isn't it? To get his attention?"

"Yes, but... I mean, it's not that simple." Shinji fidgeted so much that Kaworu had to pause for a second before resuming his work. "What if it just makes everything worse? What if-"

"You enjoy it, though, don't you?" Kaworu interrupted. He replaced the brush and closed the case of eye shadow with a sharp clack. After some deliberation, he chose a canister of lipstick and popped the lid.

"I just..." Shinji hesitated. "I just want him to see that I can be as pretty as Rei. I know it sounds stupid," he added, defensively. "but maybe he just doesn't realize it yet, and if I can show him..."

Kaworu pouted his lips and Shinji mimicked him. He began to apply the lipstick.

"If you can show him that, he might realize he never needed Rei after all." Kaworu finished for him. "Because you were there the whole time."

"Yes," Shinji said, once Kaworu had finished applying the lipstick.

The other boy stepped aside from in front of the mirror and Shinji stared at his own reflection. His eyes were more pronounced than ever, the eye shadow making the color of his irises subtly stand out. The lipstick was a dark red, almost burgundy, and somehow made his lips seem fuller than usual.

"Hold on," said Kaworu. "I almost forgot." He rummaged around for something, then stood behind Shinji and held up two pairs of rose quartz earrings so he could see them in the mirror.

Shinji's eyes widened. "K-Kaworu... you didn't..."

Kaworu grinned widely. He had obviously been looking forward to this all evening. "These are the ones you were looking at, right?"

"But... those cost a fortune! You shouldn't have... I mean..."

"Don't worry about that," said Kaworu, waving a dismissive hand. "What I choose to spend my money on is no business of yours."

"Kaworu..."

"Here, let's take these out." Kaworu removed the two plain earrings with gentle hands, then replaced them with the quartz ones. "What do you think?"

They were heavy on Shinji's ears, but not so much that they hurt. With the dress and the makeup and the earrings, Shinji could barely recognize himself. "What do _you_ think?" he asked.

"I think you're father's insane," said Kaworu. "How could someone ever ignore a son as beautiful as you?"

Shinji gripped the side of the chair. "Kaworu... thank you so much. I'll pay you back for the earrings, I promise."

"I said don't worry about it. Just promise me you'll wear them, alright?"

Shinji hesitated for a moment, then nodded. And then something happened to make Shinji's blood run cold. He heard the lock on the front door click open. Someone was home. Shinji jumped up from his chair, already stashing the makeup back into Asuka's vanity.

Kaworu seemed unconcerned.

"What are you doing?" Shinji said in a panicked whisper. "Hurry!"

"Who's there?" It was Asuka. Hurried footsteps sounded down the hall as she made toward the open door of her room. "Misato, is that you?"

"You have to hide me!" Shinji begged, rounding on Kaworu. "Please! She can't see me like this!" Why wasn't Kaworu helping him? Why was he just standing there like nothing was going on?

"You shouldn't run away from Sohryu," said Kaworu. "and you shouldn't run away from yourself, either."

"Please, Kaworu! Please hide me!"

Asuka stepped into the room and Shinji cowered pathetically behind Kaworu's back, who stood stoutly to face the newcomer.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Asuka snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Kaworu. "And what's _she _doing here with you? This is my last Ayanami-free zone and I'd like to keep it that way if you don't mind."

"Ayanami?" said Kaworu, feigning puzzlement. "No, Sohryu, you probably need to get your eyes checked. As for what we're doing here," he grinned. "Shinji needed to borrow some makeup, you see."

There was a moment of silence as Asuka processed what he was saying.

She peered over Kaworu's shoulder, her mouth opening in shock and disgust. "Oh my God... _this _again? And you brought _him _here with you?" Asuka reared back, her hands flying to her mouth. "_Mein gott in himmel, _you two weren't _doing it _in my room, were you?"

"No!" Shinji erupted, leaving the sanctity of his hiding place. "It's not like that!"

"Well it sure looks like _something_ was going on," Asuka snapped back, pointing at him. "Look at you! God, you better not have been doing anything _weird _with my stuff. You're not wearing my underwear, are you?"

"Don't worry," said Kaworu. "I'm sure Shinji will wash them after he's finished."

Both Shinji and Asuka gaped at him.

"What are you even still doing here?" Asuka snapped, grabbing Kaworu's upper arm and marching him down the hall and through the kitchen. Shinji followed at a quick pace.

"Hey, I was invited in, you know," Kaworu said with a chuckle.

Asuka opened the door. "Well consider yourself _un_invited." She pushed him outside.

"Asuka, don't..." Shinji began, but she silenced him with a look.

"Goodnight, Shinji-kun." said Kaworu as easily as if he was merely leaving because of the lateness of the hour.

Asuka slammed the door in his smiling face and turned to glower at Shinji.

Shinji suddenly realized how deep in trouble he was. He took a step back, ready to run for it. He would shut himself in his room if he had to, scrub the makeup off and hide the clothes in the deepest recesses of his closet. Asuka had no proof of anything. She couldn't tell anyone. She just couldn't.

"Why?" said Asuka. She wasn't yelling anymore. If anything, she sounded sad. "Why are you doing this?"

Shinji dropped his eyes to the floor. "I don't know..."

Asuka clenched her fists at her side. "Are you... you know..." she hesitated. "_Gay?_"

"No!"

"Then why are you dressed like that?" Asuka retorted, her voice rising again. "Is it because of me? I mean, I hate your guts," she added, flippantly. "but I didn't exactly want to turn you off women forever or anything."

"It's not like that," Shinji mumbled. He didn't want to have to tell her. Explaining things to Kaworu was different. He just couldn't talk to Asuka like that.

"Then what is it?" she continued relentlessly.

"I don't..."

"Come on, spit it out!"

"It makes me feel pretty, okay?" Shinji shouted.

There was a ringing silence following his words.

After a long moment, Shinji finally looked up at her. He couldn't tell if she looked sad, disappointed, or sick. Maybe it was all three.

"So, you're gay." she stated.

"No, it's just... it makes me feel good. Wearing makeup and dresses and stuff." He rounded on her in a desperate bid to explain himself. "You know what I'm talking about! You do it all the time at school. You know, that thing you do with your hair."

Asuka narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What thing I do with my hair?"

"You know, that thing where you flip it over your shoulder because you know a boy's watching. Or when you flap your shirt to make your-"

"I do that because I'm hot, idiot!" Asuka snapped, going red. "It's gotta be, like, a hundred degrees in our classroom these days! I don't do stuff like that to get attention! What are you, stupid?"

"Well, everyone notices you when you do that." Shinji continued. "Even me." He looked away, blushing. "It's just that I wish people would look at methat way, too."

Asuka seemed to calm down a little. "You and Nagisa weren't doing anything weird in my room, then?"

"No," said Shinji. "He was just helping me with the makeup." There was a short silence. "You won't tell Misato, will you?"

Asuka shrugged. "Maybe."

"I'm really sorry I went in your room." he continued, miserably. "I won't do it again, I promise."

"You're sure you're not gay or anything?" Asuka prompted. "Because you have to tell me right now if you are."

"No. Really, Asuka, I'm not."

"Not even for Nagisa?"

"No!"

Amazingly, miraculously, Asuka smiled. "Okay, then. Next time you need help with makeup or whatever, why don't you just ask me?"

Shinji stared at her. "Ask... you?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Look, idiot, Nagisa's not allowed in my room under any circumstances, but if you need help or want to borrow something or whatever, ask me and I'll help you."

Shinji had to digest this. "You mean... if I want to-"

"Yes," Asuka interrupted, impatiently. "If you want to borrow makeup or whatever, I'll help you put it on."

"But why?"

"Why?" Asuka snapped. "Because Nagisa doesn't know crap about making you look good. That dress is hideous, by the way. Looks like something Ayanami would wear. You didn't pick it out, did you?"

There was a knock on the door before Shinji could answer. He was already darting back to Asuka's room before the sound faded away. He had to get out of these clothes before Misato saw him.

"Just stall her for a minute, okay?" Shinji called over his shoulder.

* * *

Shinji emerged from Asuka's room in his own clothes, all the makeup scrubbed from his face. Asuka was leaning against the kitchen wall with her arms crossed. She didn't look happy. It was then that Shinji noticed the other occupant of the room.

"Shinji-kun," said Rei, standing up from her seat at the table. She was wearing her new dress. "I'm sorry, you were probably getting ready for bed."

"No," said Shinji. "It's fine. Is something wrong?"

Rei shook her head. "Can we talk? Outside?"

Asuka made a big show of rolling her eyes.

"Sure," said Shinji. "Asuka, I'll be right back."

"Mm-hm." said Asuka, not looking at him.

After closing the door behind him, Shinji walked with Rei along the third floor balcony, passing several other apartments before stopping.

Rei leaned against the rail, looking out over the street with the breeze gently lapping at her hair.

"I've been thinking about your question," she said.

"My question?"

"Yes. About your father."

Shinji joined her against the rail. "Oh... yeah. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

Rei shook her head. "No, I think I have an answer." She was silent for a moment. "You asked me if I thought your father hated you."

Shinji looked away, out over the dimly-lit streets. "I remember."

"I don't think he does."

Shinji gripped the rail tightly. "I'm sorry, Rei, but I don't think you can understand-"

"I think I do understand," she said. "I've been thinking about it since we left the mall. I have no reason to believe he hates you."

"Then why does he do these things?" Shinji said, almost pleadingly. "Why does he ignore me like this? Why is nothing I do ever good enough for him?"

"It's not that he doesn't want to talk to you," said Rei. "It's that he doesn't know how."

"Why, though?" Shinji persisted. "Why won't he take _me _out to eat? Why won't he even look at me?"

"He's afraid of you." said Rei, turning to look at him. "He doesn't know how he should talk to you or what you want him to say, and it scares him."

Shinji found it hard to believe that anything was capable of scaring his father. "I don't think that could be it."

"I did not remember until I got home today, but he asked me something about you during our dinner two nights ago."

Shinji waited a beat. "Yes?" he prompted.

"He asked me whether I had talked to you recently." she said, then stared silently at him.

Shinji blinked. "And?"

"And what?"

"What else did he say about me?"

It was Rei's turn to blink. "That is all."

Shinji felt himself become frustrated again. "So how does that tell you he's scared of me?" he said, and he was immediately ashamed of the rudeness in his voice. It wasn't Rei's fault, he reminded himself.

"He asked me whether I had talked to you recently," Rei repeated. She stared at him again as if the meaning of her words were obvious.

Shinji shook his head. "I don't understand."

"Director Ikari's question tells me that, rather than talk to you himself, he hopes to learn about you from me. He is afraid of talking to you because he is not sure who you are. He probably thinks you resent or dislike him. In his mind, it would be far safer to learn what you are like through me rather than risk embarrassment or pain by attempting to bond with you himself."

This was a lot for Shinji to swallow. "Even if that's true," he said, slowly, "why you? Wouldn't he do better to ask Asuka or Misato about me?"

"He does not feel comfortable talking to Captain Katsuragi or Sohryu-san. I have been with him a long time. He knows I harbor no ill-will against him."

Rei fell into silence while Shinji mulled things over. If everything Rei said was true, or as close to the truth as he could get right now, then his father didn't actually hate him after all. But was she right? Maybe it only seemed like such a good theory because Shinji wanted it to be true so much. Maybe.

"What should I do?" Shinji asked, quietly.

"Talk to him." said Rei. "If both of you wait for the other to speak first, there will be nothing but silence between you forever."

Shinji nodded slowly. "I'll... I'll try. Tomorrow." He clenched and unclenched his hand. "I'll try tomorrow."

He realized Rei was staring at him. "W-What is it?"

"I like your earrings." she said.

Shinji reached up impulsively. His heart skipped a beat as he realized he'd forgotten to take off the quartz earrings. "Oh, uh... thank you."

"Kaworu-kun told me he bought them for you," she continued. "when I passed him on the street a little while ago. Do you like them?"

Shinji blushed. The earrings swayed slightly in the breeze, brushing softly against his fingertips.

"Yes," he said, and he smiled. "I like them a lot."

Rei smiled back. "I think they look very pretty on you."


	2. Part 2 - Asuka

**Part 2 - Asuka**

Asuka's closet was crammed full of clothes. Not a square inch wasn't filled with a hanging dress or a box of shoes. Most of her extensive collection had been bought here in Japan, the clothes she had taken with her from Germany having been pushed to the back ages ago. It wasn't hard finding the dress she was looking for. She had bought it for this exact occasion, after all. This was the date. The big one.

The cellphone lying on top of her dresser started vibrating loudly. Taking the dress from her closet, Asuka crossed the room and flipped open the phone. "Yeah?"

"Hello Asuka. It's me, Hikari. "

Asuka rolled her eyes. Hikari was always so formal, even when they weren't at school. "What is it? I'm kind of busy right now."

"You know that guy my sister's always talking about? That really funny senior?"

Asuka held the dress up in front of her, the hanger poking her chin, and turned this way and that in front of the mirror. "Yeah."

"It turns out he was only hanging out with her so he could talk to me."

"Are you gonna go out with him, then?" said Asuka in a completely disinterested voice, wondering if the neckline was low enough.

"No," said Hikari. "Actually, he wanted to ask me if _you _would go out with him."

"Me?" Asuka blurted. "Jeez, what a jerk. Tell him to forget it."

"What? I thought you would at least want to meet him..."

"No way," said Asuka, setting the phone on speaker so she could change. "I've got a _real _date tonight."

"Really?" said Hikari. Her voice sounded muffled and robotic coming out of the cheap speakers. "With who?"

"Ryoji Kaji," said Asuka, unable to keep a hint of smugness out of her voice.

It was Hikari's turn to sound shocked. "You mean that guy who works at the lab? Isn't he a lot older than you? Like... a whole lot?"

Asuka pulled her shirt over her head, then shimmied out of her pants. "Yeah, how's _that _for senior?"

"Asuka, you don't have to lie about stuff like that. If you're really not interested, just tell me."

Asuka pulled open the top drawer of her dresser. "I'm not lying! I'll even have pictures to prove it," she said, pulling out a black bra and matching panties from way in the back.

"You'll get in trouble."

"Are you kidding? Misato thinks I'm going out with some med student. She doesn't have a clue."

The line was silent for a moment. "What did you say to convince him to go out with you?"

Asuka hesitated. "Look, I've gotta go. Tell what's-his-name he can hang out with his right hand tonight. Talk to you tomorrow."

Before Hikari could say anything else, Asuka hung up. She tossed the phone onto the bed and admired herself in the mirror. Yes, if tonight was going to work, she needed to pull out all the stops.

She had bought the dress, along with the black underwear, two months ago with Kaji in mind. It was short and black with a mock corset. It had been chosen after much careful deliberation. The dipping neckline would leave enough skin exposed while keeping everything else artfully hidden until the last moment. This was Kaji she was trying to win over, after all; he wasn't going to be impressed by just any old dress.

Asuka went back to the closet to get her shoes. With the black dress now being worn, nothing could hide the second, special dress from view. Asuka had tried to ignore it, but now it was staring her right in the face. The red skirt was shorter than the one she currently wore and had a pattern of strawberries. The top was white with red trimmed ruffles. A straw sun hat, now slightly crushed, was crammed between dress and hanger. Asuka shoved it out of the way so she could get to the shoeboxes in the back. It was the dress she had bought for a hopeful date with Shinji, if he ever got around to asking her out. She really should throw it away, it had been hanging in there forever. It wasn't even her size anymore.

After finding the right pair of shoes, she shut the closet with a little more force than was necessary and went back to her dresser. Even though her bedroom door was shut and no one could possibly be watching her, Asuka found herself glancing over her shoulder all the same. She dug around deep into the back of her top drawer under the mess of bunched-up underwear. Finally, her fingers closed around the small object buried in the bottom.

It was a condom. A single, sealed condom she had been safeguarding for the past week. She had found it lying on the sidewalk one day while coming home from school and had picked it up while no one was looking. She'd been saving it for a night like tonight, for whoever had asked her first, and it looked like Kaji would receive the honor. Stupid Shinji probably didn't even know what a condom was. She surreptitiously slipped it into her purse.

Out in the kitchen, Misato was hastily applying makeup over the sink. In typical Misato fashion she had put off getting ready for her friend's wedding until the last minute.

"Misato, can I borrow your lavender perfume?" Asuka asked.

"No," said Misato, studying her reflection in the dark window over the sink. "That stuff's not for kids."

Asuka resisted commenting on Misato's outfit as she passed on her way to Shinji's room. At least it wouldn't be hard to one-up her in the style department as far as Kaji was concerned. Asuka crossed her arms and waited as Misato told Shinji they were leaving. Really, the least he could do was come out and see her off. He was probably so jealous he couldn't look at her. That would be so like him.

Misato returned, looking strained.

"Is he _still _moping around in there?" said Asuka, loudly. "Honestly, just because we have plans tonight and he doesn't? If he wanted a date that badly he should go outside every once in a while."

Misato checked her lipstick one last time before heading to the door. "I think he's still upset about yesterday," she said.

"Whatever," said Asuka, and then, raising her voice loud enough so Shinji could hear, "I bet he's just jealous that we have social lives and he doesn't."

There was no angry response from Shinji's room. No protests, no comebacks. Disappointed, Asuka allowed herself to be shepherded out the front door.

* * *

"Is this the place?" asked Misato, leaning over the steering wheel to look up at the brightly lit sign of a fancy restaurant.

"Yes," said Asuka. "He's supposed to meet me here in ten minutes."

Misato had barely parked the car when Asuka jumped out. She made sure she had her purse with her and that the condom was still safely hidden inside. That little piece of rubber was as dangerous as a loaded gun. A loaded gun that, if found by the wrong person, could misfire and ruin everything.

"Okay," said Misato. "Have fun. Don't stay out too late."

"I won't." Asuka smiled and waved until Misato's care was out of sight. As soon as the tail lights disappeared from view, Asuka's smile vanished. She promised to meet Kaji down by the old train station a quarter of a mile away. She couldn't walk too fast, though, or she might get all sweaty, and nobody wanted that.

Kaji was already waiting for her at the rendezvous point. He was leaning against the hood of his car, hands deep in his pockets, staring up at the moon. He lowered his gaze as she approached.

"This is awfully cloak and dagger for you, Asuka." he said, smiling crookedly. "You didn't walk all this way from Katsuragi's place, did you?"

"No, I had a boyfriend drive me part of the way." said Asuka.

"Ah, I see. That was nice of him."

Asuka smiled. "He's not as nice as you, Kaji."

"You sure are dressed up tonight, especially for a trip to an old train station. You're not meeting someone after me tonight, are you?" he teased.

Asuka shifted uncomfortably. "You don't like it?"

Kaji laughed. "You look very beautiful, Asuka. I swear, I'm going to have to start keeping tabs on all these boyfriends of yours. Every time I see you you're all dressed up for another date."

"You're the only one worth dressing up for, Kaji."

Kaji smiled slightly. "So, what's this important thing you had to tell me?"

"What?"

"You know, that thing so important you couldn't tell me at the lab and we had to meet way out here?"

"Oh, that," Asuka laughed. In reality, she had just said that to get him to meet her there. "That can wait until later. I thought we might hang out for a bit. You know, just the two of us."

Kaji scratched the back of his head. "I'm a bit busy tonight, Asuka. We can chat at the lab tomorrow if you want. I'm supposed to meet Katsuragi at a wedding. In fact," he glanced at his watch. "I'm already a bit late."

Asuka frowned. He had agreed to meet her here even though he already planned to meet Misato at the same time? She clutched her purse. "But... I thought we could just talk for a little bit. I never get to talk with you anymore like we did in Germany. Someone always has to butt in, like Misato or stupid Shinji." The last few words slipped out angrily before she could stop them.

Kaji was staring at her. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yes," Asuka said quickly. This wasn't good, he was slipping away from her. It was time for drastic action. "I'm... I'm just a little tired from walking all this way. Can we sit in your car for a while? Just until I get my strength back."

Kaji sighed. "Sure."

* * *

"Is this a new car?" Asuka asked, sitting down in the passenger seat and running her hands over the crinkled leather.

"A new old one," said Kaji, getting in the other side. "My salary's not quite that large. Now, what did you want to tell me?"

Asuka frowned. She would just have to make something up to keep him quiet, but she needed time to think of something good. She flapped the front of her dress. "It's really hot in here. Can you turn the air on?"

Kaji started the car, flooding the interior with cool air. He turned to look at her. "Well?"

Asuka opened her purse just enough so she could see inside. After a few seconds of searching, her eyes fell upon the condom hidden in the mess of other stuff. "You never just want to talk anymore," she said. "You're always working."

"Asuka..."

"I have to promise you important information just so we can talk normally."

Kaji ran his palm over his face. "Asuka, if you've got nothing to tell me then I really need to get going. I'm too busy for this right now. You know how it is at the lab."

Asuka rounded on him, the purse shifting sideways in her lap. "That's what Shinji says, too! He's always too busy or too tired or too something, and all he wants to do is lock himself in his room and ignore everyone! Is that what you're doing, too? I thought you'd understand."

"You're acting like a child, Asuka."

"I'm not! It's not my fault I'm the only one who wants to take our relationship seriously!"

Kaji gave her a look. "Relationship?"

"Yes, our relationship," said Asuka. "I'm fine with it, Kaji. Whatever you want to do." She leaned toward him. "Don't pretend you don't want it, too." The purse slid off her lap and hit the floor, spilling its contents over Kaji's shoes. Asuka kept her eyes locked on Kaji's, making no move to pick up it up. She waited patiently as Kaji scooped the contents back into the purse, his fingers closing around a small plastic wrapper. He held it up.

"What's this?" he asked, his voice serious.

"What does it look like?"

"Asuka, where did you get this?"

"It's mine."

"Not anymore." Kaji stuffed the condom into his pocket.

"Fine." said Asuka. "I brought it for you, anyway."

"I'm taking you home."

"No, you can't do that!" she blurted, clutching the side of the seat and leaning closer to him. "You don't have to pretend anymore! Just ask me and I'll say yes. I'll say yes, Kaji."

Kaji stared at her. "You're far too young, Asuka. Those things can wait until you're older."

"But I _am _old enough!" she shouted. "Just give me a chance and I'll show you!"

Kaji started the car. "I'm taking you home. Put on your seat belt."

Asuka glared at him. "If I don't get it from you then I'll just get it from someone else." she said in a low voice.

Kaji paused for a moment with his hand on the clutch. He sighed heavily, then backed out of the parking lot and onto the road.

They drove in silence. Asuka leaned against the door and stared out of the window, her arms crossed. Kaji was in denial, that was all there was to it. He just wouldn't admit anything because he thought he'd get in trouble with Misato or something. He didn't need Misato anyway, not anymore. What was he worried about? She glanced sideways at him. He looked tired. There were dark rings under his eyes and he had to prop himself up with his elbow on the armrest. Asuka dropped her gaze to her shoes. Maybe he was telling the truth after all. Maybe he just didn't want anything to do with her anymore.

Kaji stopped at the end of the road that lead to the apartment complex and Asuka got out before he could come around and open her door.

"I should tell Katsuragi about this." said Kaji.

Those simple words nearly sent Asuka over the edge. She clenched her fists so tightly she could feel her nails digging into her skin. She glared down at the pavement, her face screwed up in frustration. "Fine, go ahead. I don't care." she said through gritted teeth. "Tell her I never want to speak to you again, either." And she took off towards the apartment without a backward glance.

* * *

Kaji found it hard to concentrate on anything as he drove through the city. Usually driving made him relax and allowed him to dwell on things he might not otherwise have time to think about, but now it was just a distraction. He wanted to go home. He wanted to sleep. He didn't want to get up early and go to the lab tomorrow. But he wanted to speak to Misato in some degree of privacy, and that would best be done today at Makomo's wedding, not tomorrow at the lab with who knows how many cameras watching.

The wedding was being held in a huge courtroom not too far from GEHIRN itself. When Kaji arrived everyone was already seated at tables, chatting loudly while they ate. It took him less than a minute to find Misato and Ritsuko. He sat down in the seat marked _Ryoji Kaji_ with a cute little placard.

"Look who decided to show up," said Misato, refilling her glass with champagne. "You smell terrible. The least you could've done is put on some cologne." She reached over and straightened his tie roughly.

Kaji grinned. "You sure are chipper tonight. How are you, Ricchan?"

Ritsuko smiled. "It's nice to do something other than paperwork," she said. "I wish it wasn't another wedding, though. It seems everyone we know has been getting married lately."

"Maybe we should join them." Kaji said, glancing sideways at Misato.

She _humphed _into her glass of wine.

"Ricchan, would you be a dear and get me a slice of cake?" Kaji asked. "It's been forever since I've had something sweet."

Ritsuko smiled and stood up. "Actually, I should be heading off. I've got a pile of lab reports that need to be finished for tomorrow's sync test."

"You said you'd take the day off and have some fun," said Misato.

Ritsuko shrugged. "Director Ikari doesn't take days off."

"Yeah, like he's actually working out there on that yacht of his."

"It's more of a barge than a yacht," said Ritsuko. "Anyway, I'm going home. Say goodnight to Makomo for me. I'll mail her those pictures tomorrow."

Misato waved goodbye, downing another glass of wine. She looked at Kaji. "You're awfully quiet. Why don't you just get a slice of cake yourself if you want one that badly?"

"Aren't you going to ask why I was late?" he said, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the chandelier.

"No."

"I was with Asuka."

"Asuka?" Misato poured herself another glass. "She's on a date tonight."

Kaji glanced at her.

Misato missed her glass and splashed champagne on the table. "Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me."

"She promised me information, but she really just wanted to talk."

"Information?" Misato laughed, lifting the glass to her lips. "Give me a break. You fell for that?"

"She brought a condom."

Misato sputtered and slowly set down her glass of wine. "W-What? Where in the hell did she get that?"

"I don't know," Kaji sighed. "Is everything all right at home? I mean, you two haven't had a fight or anything, right?"

"Everything's fine, as far as I know. Where is she now?"

"I dropped her off at your place."

Misato stared down soberly at her glass. "Should I, you know... punish her or something?"

Kaji shrugged. "You're her guardian now. I just thought I'd let you know."

"You've known her longer than I have. Didn't you give her the talk?"

Kaji stared up at the ceiling. "Yeah, a couple years ago. Her mother practically lived at the lab, so any personal matters were relegated to me. I thought I did a decent job at the time."

Misato sighed and swept her hair out of her eyes. "God, I swear these kids are gonna give me gray hairs. I'm glad I'm past that stage in my life."

"Don't fool yourself," said Kaji. "We're just as screwed up as they are." He stood up. "Just keep an eye on her for me, alright? I'll try to take a couple days off work, spend time with her a bit more. She's probably just lonely."

"That's impossible," said Misato. "Shinji's always with her. I'm sure she just saw something on TV or whatever. I'll talk with her about it when I get home."

"Mm-hm. Don't drink too much."

"I won't."

* * *

Asuka fumbled around for her key. The lights were still on in the apartment so Shinji was probably still awake. He probably hadn't left his room the entire time. Asuka shoved her key in the lock and twisted. Still, maybe he would be awake enough to appreciate how low the neckline was on her dress. If Kaji wouldn't own up and admit what he really wanted, then it was time to let Shinji take a turn at the bat.

Shutting the door behind her, she hung her purse up on the rack. Asuka looked around at the sound of something clattering off down the hall. It sounded like something fell over in Misato's room. Her bedroom light was on too, but Asuka hadn't seen her car parked outside.

"Shinji?" Asuka called. She smoothed out the front of her dress as she walked down the hall to Misato's room.

"Don't come in!" came Shinji's panicked voice. He appeared in the doorway, huffing and out of breath, and grabbed unsuccessfully for the door.

Time stood still. Asuka felt something squirm horribly in the pit of her stomach. Shinji was wearing Misato's old clothes and makeup, like some terrible mockery of a circus clown. A lacy, loose-fitting bra could be seen down the front of his polka-dotted shirt. A blue skirt clung to his hips and reached just past his knees. He had smeared lipstick clumsily over his mouth.

"You... you're..." Asuka choked.

He stared at her with wide eyes. His hands and knees were shaking. She hated that look on his face, like he thought she was about to hit him.

Asuka took a step back. "You're... oh my God..."

"I wasn't-" Shinji spluttered, shaking his head desperately.

Asuka bumped up against the wall. Her mind was numb. She couldn't believe what she was seeing; none of it made sense. Shinji was wearing Misato's clothes. Shinji was wearing Misato's clothes and it made her sick.

She turned and bolted down the hall into her room, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, her chest heaving with panicked breaths. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he doing this to her? Why was _everyone _doing this to her? Couldn't _any_ of them just act like men for once? She slid down to the floor, cradling her head in her hands. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. The image of Shinji in Misato's clothes, makeup smeared clumsily all over his face, clung to her mind like a big fat spider and wouldn't go away.

Shinji Ikari was gay, and he would never want anything to do with her ever again. He would not want to look at her, he would not want to talk to her, and he would not want to touch her.

Asuka jumped to her feet and lurched to the closet. She flung the door open and tore out the red and white dress and straw hat. Her face screwed up in anger, she crammed the stupid thing into the trash can, stomping on it until it fit. That damn idiot Shinji didn't care, and Kaji didn't care, and Misato didn't have a damn clue about anything. No one cared enough to even try to understand.

Asuka let out a scream of frustration and hurled one of her shoes at the wall. "I hate this!"

* * *

"Shinji-kun, just relax." Dr. Akagi's voice crackled through the intercom. "You've done this a hundred times before."

"I know," said Shinji. "It's just... it's hard today."

Asuka rolled her eyes. She didn't need to hear Shinji's whining when she was trying to concentrate. Dr. Akagi could talk to him through a closed line if she wanted to, but _no_, she had to let everyone else hear their stupid conversation, too. It was always Shinji this and Shinji that. Asuka was the one with the highest test scores—besides Kaworu Nagisa—but no one ever gave her anything more than a pat on the back. He was probably just failing to get attention.

Asuka leaned back in her seat, her gloved hands relaxing on the handles. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, allowing a large bubble of LCL to gurgle up to the top of the Test Plug. She had to relax. Her sync ratio would drop if she kept thinking about things that made her angry. Even so, an image of Shinji wearing Misato's clothes swam to the forefront of her thoughts. Asuka frowned and her heartbeat sped up. No, she didn't want to think about that. She had to concentrate.

"Something's wrong. A drop in his sync ratio like this isn't something you can just shrug off."

Asuka slowly opened her eyes. Dr. Akagi was talking over the intercom, but not to any of the test subjects. Had she accidentally left the mic on?

"Has something happened?" she continued. "At home, I mean."

"Well, for the past couple days he's been kind of depressed." Misato's voice was rough and slightly distorted over the intercom.

Asuka glowered. They were talking about Shinji again. Is that who they always talked about during sync tests when they thought no one was listening? She wondered why no one had said anything yet. If she could hear everything Dr. Akagi and Misato were saying then Nagisa, Ayanami, and Shinji could too. Communication was open both ways so why hadn't one of them told the old bats the mic was still switched on? Probably for the same reason she hadn't said anything yet.

"Do you have any idea why?" Dr. Akagi asked.

There was a short silence, then Asuka heard Misato's voice. "I think it has something to do with his father."

"Director Ikari isn't one to attend his children's baseball games," said Dr. Akagi.

Asuka pretended to gag at the stupid baseball metaphor.

"He could've at least attended this one," said Misato. "Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."

Something unpleasant squirmed in the pit of Asuka's stomach. Why would Shinji be jealous of Ayanami? He hates his father. Why should he care if she was getting all the attention? If Director Ikari didn't want to spend time with his own son, then to hell with him. Shinji shouldn't care about a stupid thing like that... unless he was jealous of Rei for other reasons. Weird ones.

By the time the test was over, Asuka had topped the charts once again. Well, technically she tied with Nagisa for the seventeenth time, but who was counting? Asuka peeled off her plugsuit, hidden behind the curtain that would normally separate her from Ayanami, who was apparently too busy or too stupid to go straight to the changing room after the test like she was supposed to. Really, if she used half the time time she spent wandering aimlessly around the lab to actually concentrate on her synchronization she would probably be better than all of them put together. That girl had way too much free time.

The changing room door opened. Asuka saw a slim silhouette approach from the other side of the curtain.

"Are you decent?" It was not Ayanami's voice, but Nagisa's.

A blush crackled across Asuka's cheeks. "What the hell kind of question is that? Open the curtain and I'll kill you!" she snapped, tugging up her skirt. "This is the girls' changing room, idiot, so if you know what's good for you you'll leave before I take away the only reason you're allowed in the _boys' _changing room."

Nagisa laughed softly. "I only wanted to talk to you in private. I'll wait until you're finished. I wouldn't want to embarrass you."

Asuka tied her vest and flung open the curtain, scowling. "What is it?"

"You heard what Captain Katsuragi said, didn't you? About Shinji-kun?"

"So what?" Asuka snapped. "I don't see how it's any of _your _business, and if you think I'm going to talk about Shinji behind his back-"

Nagisa took a step toward her, looking serious. "I don't want you bothering him about it. He seems very upset today and I don't think he's up to dealing with your antics right now."

Asuka looked like she had been slapped. "What do you mean 'bothering' him? I don't bother him! And you've got some nerve coming in her and telling me what to do. Don't act like you know Shinji better than me."

Nagisa took another step closer. Asuka stood her ground.

"You don't know him as well as you might think." he said.

Asuka glared at him. Once again she thought of Shinji wearing Misato's clothes, makeup smeared over his lips. She clenched her fists and looked away. What did Nagisa know that she didn't? Maybe Shinji had been meeting him in secret, and they would both dress up and... Asuka couldn't bear to finish the thought. Why did everyone insist on mocking her like this?

She shouldered past him. "Just stay away from me."

He waited until she reached the door to speak. "Getting angry won't change anything. I only have Shinji-kun's best interest at heart... something I wish you had, too."

Asuka spun around. "Don't you dare try to make me look like the bad guy!" she snapped. "You don't know anything, so don't act like you do! You don't know him like I do. You don't live with him, you didn't sleep with him-"

Nagisa raised his eyebrows.

Asuka's face flushed bright red. "N-Not like that!" she said, cursing her poor choice of words. "Never like that! Stop putting words in my mouth!" She spun around and wrenched open the door, slamming it behind her.

That idiot Nagisa... who the hell does he think he is, talking to her like that? Acting like he knows everything...

Asuka stopped outside the door to the break room. She clasped her hands together and sucked in a deep breath. "Okay," she whispered on the exhale. Calm and collected. Not angry. She opened the door and stepped inside. Shinji was already there, still in his plugsuit. He was sitting on a bench next to a vending machine, clutching an unopened can of soda.

"Another wonderful day as a lab rat," Asuka sang, acting as normal as she could. "And another stack of perfect test scores. I wonder where Misato will take me out to eat this week? We've already gone to Chang's Chinese twice and their rice is _still _awful." She glanced at Shinji. He was staring blankly at the ground, not showing any sign that he had even heard her enter the room. She looked away. How was she supposed to help him if he wouldn't even talk to her?

Something bumped into Asuka from behind, making her stagger. She spun around to see Nagisa grinning at her. Ayanami stood behind him, peering over his shoulder.

"Whoops," he said. "You know, you really shouldn't stand in doorways. It's quite rude to everyone on the other side."

"Well, maybe everyone else should just use a different door, hm?" Asuka snapped, hands on her hips. She wasn't going to take any more crap from him today.

"Or maybe you should trim a few pounds off that glorious bottom of yours?" Nagisa continued in that infuriatingly calm voice. "Because, if you don't mind me saying so, no one here at the lab is interested in seeing it jammed in the break room doorway."

Asuka gaped at him. "You-" she said, then spat out every swear word she could think of off the top of her head, which was more than most people had in their entire vocabulary.

Nagisa blinked, his lips upturned in a bemused smile. Rei sidled past him.

"It's just one thing after another with you, isn't it?" Asuka screeched, secretly glad she had an opportunity to let off some steam. "First you jump me in the changing room, and then you _accidentally _ram into me from behind? If I didn't know better I'd think you were just trying to get a handful of that bottom you just insulted, which I'll have you know is of average size and isn't overblown like your_ big fat head _and I don't want to hear another word about it or Shinji or anything else! Got it?"

Nagisa raised his hands innocently. "Well, excuse me. It was just a joke." He grinned. "I should have guessed you were on your period today."

A vein pulsed in Asuka's temple. "I am not! Shut up!" He had been all serious in the changing room but now he was just trying to piss her off.

Nagisa walked past her, still grinning. "You shouldn't get so worked up about everything, you know. Shinji doesn't like that."

Nagisa got a drink from a vending machine and stood next to the bench where Shinji and Ayanami were sitting. They had their heads angled slightly toward each other's and were talking in low voices.

Asuka turned away, clenching her fists. Why was Shinji talking to Ayanami if he was so jealous of her?

"Idiot," Asuka muttered, moving in front of one of the vending machines. It was the broken one but she didn't care. She didn't really want a drink. "They're all idiots." She gave the vending machine a good kick. None of them acted the way they were supposed to. None of it made sense.

"Okay, you can all go home now." Dr. Akagi's voice blared out suddenly from a wall-mounted speaker. "The test results have cleared. Thank you for your patience."

Asuka took a deep breath, then slammed her foot into the vending machine one last time. The pain in her toes made the pain in her head a little better. She clapped her hands and spun around, all smiles. "Well, I don't know about you three, but this lab rat's ready for some crappy Chinese. So, who wants to celebrate my excellence with me? Misato's buying."

Nagisa raised his hand. "I'll go as long as I can sit next to you," he said.

"Why would _you _want to sit next to_ me_?" said Asuka, glaring at him suspiciously.

"Well, that way I won't have to look at your face while I'm eating." said Kaworu, grinning.

"You just can't keep your fat mouth shut, can you?" Asuka wailed. It felt good to shout, to yell, to let out some of her frustration. "Well _you're _not invited, so it doesn't matter what you think! And that's another thing, I don't have to take any kind of-"she broke off as she realized Nagisa was staring at something over her shoulder. She looked around.

Misato was standing there, hands on her hips.

"Oh, uh, hi Misato." said Asuka, fumbling over her recovery. "We were just discussing where you were going to take us for lunch and-"

"I'm sorry, Asuka. We won't be going out to eat tonight."

"What?" Asuka moaned. "Why?"

"I think it would be better for all three of us if we ate at home more often. You know, like a family?" Misato continued. She turned to Shinji and Rei. "How does that sound, Shinji?"

Shinji looked around at her distractedly. "What? Oh, yeah. Sure." His eyes met Asuka's for a moment, then darted away. She hated that look on his face. It was like he expected her to start swinging her fists at him or something. Like he thought she blamed him for everything.

Anger welled up inside her. Not the kind of hot frustration and embarrassment she felt when arguing with Nagisa, but cold, painful anger.

"Something tells me Shinji would rather us go out and leave him at home," Asuka trilled, the words spilling out before she could stop them. "You know, to catch up on his _private time?_"

Shinji dropped his gaze to the floor, a pained expression on his face. Asuka immediately felt a guilty sense of satisfaction. Serves him right.

"Private time _is_ a very important part of the day," said Nagisa, appearing from nowhere to lean against Asuka's shoulder. "A time to both reflect on past adventures and experience new ones."

Asuka shrugged him off. "If I didn't know any better," she said with forced calm. "I'd say you were hitting on me."

Nagisa flashed that obnoxiously white smile of his. "I would never hit on a girl. It's not gentlemanly."

"_O_kay," said Misato, emphasizing the first syllable as she pushed them apart. "You guys can stay here if you want to, but I'm ready to get home."

"Anything to get away from _this _dork," said Asuka, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder at Nagisa, who pantomimed being shot in the heart.

"Shinji," Misato continued. "Go on and change. Asuka and I will wait in the car."

"Sure." said Shinji.

* * *

Asuka drummed her fingers along the side of the car door, staring out the window. The air was on full blast, tossing her hair back against the tattered headrest. The thin red locks that weren't blown back by the wind curled and tickled her cheeks. Misato sat in the front seat, fanning herself with a GEHIRN pamphlet. Asuka glanced over at the back of her guardian's head. She sat in silence for a few minutes but Misato never said anything. It would've been nice if she'd at least asked how the test had gone. Asuka stared back out the window again.

"_You don't know anything, so don't act like you do! You don't know him like I do. You don't live with him, you didn't sleep with him-"_

Asuka's own words echoed in her head, repeating over and over again. Why had she said that? Now Nagisa was going to think she had done something weird with Shinji. But it hadn't been weird. Something in Asuka's chest fluttered at the memory. No, it hadn't been weird at all. In fact, she had really liked it.

It had been one of those long nights after school where Misato had had to stay at the lab overnight. It was raining badly, so much that the roof sounded like it was going to fall in, and only after Shinji had stuck his hand out the window to show her had Asuka accepted that it was indeed rain and not hail the size of baby dolphins. Thunder boomed overhead, causing the windows to rattle violently.

Asuka had been lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her room was dark but for the faint moonlight coming in through the window, casting shadows of raindrops all over the opposite wall. It sounded like a typhoon out there. Lightning flashed every few seconds, briefly illuminating her room before the inevitable, deafening crack that—although Asuka knew it was harmless—made her heart skip a beat. She had always hated storms.

Asuka pulled the covers up to her chest even though it was rather hot and humid in her room. It made her legs get uncomfortably hot and sweaty, but at least she felt a little safer. She knew it was stupid to be afraid of thunderstorms. That was little kid stuff. Thunder couldn't hurt you, it was lightning that killed people. But, for some reason, she would much rather have all the lightning without the thunder.

There was a deafening crash outside and Asuka saw a bunch of red and yellow sparks blow out over the street. She sat up, heart racing. A bolt of lightning had struck one of the telephone poles or fuse boxes or one of those other things they had out there. The security alarm let out a short, loud squawk from the kitchen and the illuminated numbers on her digital alarm clock blinked out. They had lost electricity. If the lights hadn't already been out, her room would have been plunged into complete darkness. Even though Asuka hated to admit it, she wished she didn't have to sleep in here alone.

Footsteps pounded down the hall outside and the door was flung open. "Asuka, are you all right?" said Shinji, shining a flashlight in her face.

Asuka shielded her eyes. "Of course I'm all right, idiot! Don't just come barging into my room! And stop shining that damn light in my face!"

"Sorry," he said, aiming the light at the floor.

Asuka lowered her hands. "What do you want? Did the big bad storm scare little Shin-chan?"

"No," said Shinji. "I was on my computer when the electricity went out. I thought you might want a flashlight." He held it out to her.

Asuka stared at it for a moment. "Fine," she said. "Leave it on the table."

Shinji did so, then made to leave the room.

"Wait!" said Asuka.

"What?"

Asuka stared at him. Why was it so hard to thank him for such a stupid little thing? "Apologize for coming into my room without knocking."

"Fine, I'm sorry." He turned to leave again.

"Wait!"

"What is it?" said Shinji, impatiently.

Asuka hesitated. "Nothing. Just go."

Shinji closed the door behind him, leaving Asuka alone in the dark room with the thunder and the rain. She lay back down, pulling the covers up to her chin. No matter how hard she tried, Asuka couldn't go to sleep. The thunder was too loud and the lightning was too bright even with her eyes closed. After what seemed like a long time she felt something small and cold plop onto her knee. There was another plop, then another. Asuka sat up and felt the spot. It was wet. The roof was leaking.

Dragging her futon and pillow behind her, Asuka pounded on Shinji's door. "Open up, _dümmkopf_."

The door slid open. "What is it now?"

"The ceiling's got a leak and I'm not used to sleeping in a bed that's soaking wet, so make room on the floor." Asuka pushed past him, dragging the heavy futon behind her.

"Why is it okay for you to barge into _my_ room?" Shinji said exasperatedly.

"Because I have needs." Once Asuka had unfolded her futon beside Shinji's bed, she dropped her pillow and blanket on it and set the flashlight on the floor next to it.

"Why can't you sleep in the living room or something?"

"What, you don't want me here?" Asuka snapped. "Because if that's the way it is then I'll just leave!"

"No, it's just... never mind."

"Fine. Stop whining, then." Asuka lay with her hands folded behind her head, staring up at the ceiling.

Shinji stepped around her and got on his bed, laying on his side with his back to her.

Asuka rocked her feet slowly from side-to-side. "Spooky, isn't it?" she said, quietly.

"What is?"

"The storm. I bet if it gets any worse, Misato won't be able to come home until tomorrow. There might even be a tornado."

Shinji was silent for a moment. "I don't think we have to worry about that. It's just a thunderstorm. If it was something really bad we'd hear a warning on the news."

"Not with the power out we wouldn't."

Thunder boomed overhead, causing the windows to rattle in their frames. Asuka looked over at Shinji but all she could see from her position on the floor was the top of his shoulder.

"We might even die." she said.

"Stop trying to scare me." Shinji mumbled.

"It's the truth."

"No it's not. It's just a thunderstorm, nobody dies from those. Only little kids are scared of storms."

Asuka bolted upright. "So I'm a little kid, is that it?" she snapped.

Shinji slowly rolled over to look at her. "Wait... so, you're scared?"

Asuka's face flushed. "No! Of course not, idiot! I was just... I was..."

Shinji grinned guiltily. "I didn't know you were afraid of anything."

"So what?" Asuka shouted. "I bet you're afraid of tons of stupid stuff! Like girls and swimming and everything!"

Shinji's smile vanished. He turned away from her. Asuka glared at the back of his head.

"Actually, I'm kind of scared, too." said Shinji, quietly.

Asuka frowned and looked away. Why would he admit something like that? Boys weren't supposed to be afraid of anything. And neither was she. They were both just being stupid.

Asuka made to climb up onto Shinji's bed just as Shinji moved to get down onto her futon. They stared at each other. Shinji finally looked away.

"Uh..." he said.

Asuka pushed him back and joined him on the bed, bringing her pillow and blanket with her. "Bed's more comfortable than the futon," she grunted. "If you ever tell anyone about this I'll kill you. And it's just until the storm's over, don't go getting any ideas."

"Yeah, yeah."

They lay beside each other, staring up at the ceiling. The storm rumbled on as violent as ever, but it didn't bother Asuka as much. Somehow, knowing Shinji was scared too made her feel a little better. She thought back to what he had said when she rushed into his room without permission.

"Hey, Shinji?"

"Hm?"

"Is it okay for me to be here?"

There was a short silence. "Yes." he said.

Asuka glanced sideways at him. "Hey, Shinji?"

"What?"

"Thanks for the flashlight."

In the pale moonlight coming in through the window, Asuka saw him smile.

"Sure." he said.

* * *

Asuka watched Shinji approach the car in his school clothes. That night had been months ago and neither had mentioned it since. She wasn't even sure if he remembered. It wouldn't matter if he did, anyway. Not anymore. Not after last night.

After Shinji sat down in the back seat next to Asuka, Misato pulled out onto the road without even asking them to buckle up. She must be even hungrier than they were. Shinji leaned his elbow against the door and, resting his chin in his hand, stared out the window. Asuka watched him for a moment before speaking.

"I saw you talking with Ayanami."

Shinji ignored her.

"What were you talking about?"

"Just stuff." said Shinji.

Asuka turned down the air which had been on full blast. "What stuff?"

"I don't know," said Shinji dismissively. "Just stuff."

"You two were getting pretty cozy over there. I thought you were supposed to be jealous of her?"

"Asuka," Misato warned.

"What?" Asuka snapped at her. "Everyone heard you talking! Are we just gonna pretend it never happened? Everyone heard it!"

"Asuka, please..."

"I'm sick of always being left out!" She rounded on Shinji. "If you can't tell me what you were talking about then it had to be something bad! What was she telling you, Shinji? Where you could buy a new dress?"

Shinji flinched as if a bullet had whizzed past his head, doubling over in his seat and clapping his hands to his ears. "Stop it, Asuka!" he shouted.

Asuka turned angrily to her window and glared out at the passing cars. He just didn't care about her anymore. He probably never did. All he cared about was Ayanami and Nagisa and how they could all go out and wear dresses and be faggots together and she hated them. Asuka clutched the plastic lip under the window, her fingernails making tiny dents in it. She hated all of them.

Once they arrived home, Asuka went straight to her room and slammed the door. She dialed Hikari's number on her phone.

Hikari picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"

"It's me. Did you tell that guy I didn't want to go out with him yet?"

"No, I promise I'll tell him today. I've been-"

"Because I've changed my mind," Asuka interrupted. "Tell him to meet me at the hotel south of the train station at five-thirty this evening."

"But Asuka..."

"Can you do that or not?"

Hikari hesitated. "I... I guess..."

"Good. Thanks." Asuka hung up and tossed the phone onto her bed. She didn't need Kaji or Shinji. Neither of them cared enough to give her what she wanted. They were both idiots and she didn't have time to waste on either of them anymore. She flung open the door to find Misato leaning against the wall, waiting for her. Asuka averted her gaze. How much had she heard?

"Having a nice little talk with your friend?" said Misato. She wasn't smiling.

"Best talk I've had all day," said Asuka. "Not that you care."

"Shinji's making dinner. It'll be ready in a little while."

"So?" Asuka wrenched open the bathroom door. "I'm not eating anything he makes! It always makes me sick!" And she slammed it shut.

* * *

The only sound in the kitchen was the gentle clinking of silverware against their plates. Just like the last few times they had all eaten at the table together, Misato was the only one attempting to make conversation. It wasn't Asuka's fault, she wouldn't be eating dinner at all right now if Misato hadn't made her.

"So, Asuka," said Misato, forcing conversation. "you've got another date tonight? Don't you think you're taking things a little too quickly?"

"It's not a date," said Asuka through a mouthful of food. "Hikari won tickets to some stupid movie and she doesn't have anyone else to go with." She swallowed. "I'm just going for the popcorn. Maybe she'll get bored and we can leave early."

"That's nice," said Misato with forced cheerfulness. Asuka could tell from the look on her face that she didn't believe a word of it. "And how about you, Shinji-kun? Any plans?"

"Yes," said Shinji.

Both Asuka and Misato stared at him, stunned.

"I promised to help out with a project at school," Shinji continued. "It starts at four o'clock and I'll probably be stuck there for a few hours."

Asuka narrowed her eyes. Since when did Shinji offer to help out at school? He was up to something.

"Oh, it's not like you to volunteer at school," said Misato, inadvertently voicing Asuka's thoughts. "What kind of project is it?"

"It's something the theater club is putting together. An allegorical play about the Osaka Riots."

Asuka snorted.

"Wow, sounds important. Do you need me to drive you?" Misato asked.

"No," he said quickly. "I mean, I can walk. I need the exercise."

"See, Asuka? You should give Shinji a little more credit. When was the last time _you _helped out with a school project?"

Asuka stabbed a potato wedge with her fork. Why did Misato have to hate on her, too? She didn't care at all about what Asuka was going through. "Let's see," Asuka said, pretending to think about it. "Never. Happy? It's not like I don't do enough around here!"

"What do you mean?" Misato blanched. "You don't even do half the chores you're supposed to! Shinji's always the one who has to pick up the slack."

Asuka slammed down her fork and stood up. "It's not like I _ask _him to do my chores!"

"Someone has to do them, Asuka." said Misato.

"I'm finished," Asuka spat, tossing her napkin on the table and striding out of the room.

"Asuka, get back here and clean off your plate!"

"Why don't you just make Shinji do it?" Asuka shouted over her shoulder as she headed for her room. "Doesn't he do _everything _around here?" She slammed the door shut and hurled herself onto her bed.

It wasn't fair. Why did everyone always have to pick on her? Shinji was the one failing his sync tests. Shinji was the one jealous of everyone. Shinji was the one who wouldn't do anything. Why was she always the one to get punished? Her red cell phone lay beside her on the bed. Asuka stared at it. That guy was supposed to meet her at five-thirty today, only three hours from now, at a hotel. Asuka rolled over onto her back. She wished Kaji hadn't taken that condom from her. Now she would have to stop by a drug store on the way.

Asuka lay curled up on her side until Shinji left the apartment. She didn't care what he was really up to. Not anymore. He didn't care what she did so why should she care about him? He didn't give a damn that she was going to a hotel with some guy she didn't even know. Shinji didn't care, and Kaji didn't care, and Misato didn't care either. None of them cared enough to do anything about it, so why should she?

Asuka decided to wear the same dress she had worn to her date with Kaji. It was the only one she owned that was sexy enough for the occasion. She sneaked into Misato's room and and sprayed some of her precious lavender perfume on her neck and, after hesitating slightly, her breasts. Asuka wasn't a kid anymore and after tonight no one would be able to argue otherwise.

She left the apartment without saying goodbye. If she hurried she could make a stop by the drug store and still have time to walk all the way to the hotel.

* * *

Asuka stared at the boxes of condoms lining the shelf. She hadn't expected there to be so many different kinds. First she thought she should buy the biggest, just to make sure they'd fit, but it said on the back of the box to make sure you got the correct size. She couldn't get the smallest—that would just be insulting—so she settled on mediums.

She stared the clerk in the eye as he rang her up. It was the only thing she was buying. He didn't say anything. She had half hoped he would.

Outside, Asuka could see the hotel from the drug store parking lot. A train was passing through the street, momentarily drowning out the noise of traffic as it sped by. Asuka stepped out onto the road just as a familiar blue car skidded to a halt in front of her.

Misato opened the door and stepped out.

Asuka scowled. "You followed me."

"Where are you going?" Misato asked.

"Nowhere. Leave me alone."

Misato looked at the plastic bag hanging off Asuka's arm. "What did you buy?"

"Mind your own business, will you?" Asuka spat. "What do you care, anyway? It's not like it has anything to do with you."

Misato made a grab for it.

"Hey!" Asuka shouted. "Watch it! Stop, give it back!" She wasn't losing them again, not after she used her own money and everything.

Misato pulled out the box and stared at it, then looked at Asuka. "Where are you going?" she repeated.

"Give it back!" Asuka shouted, lunging for the box. Misato made no move to keep it away from her and the force of Asuka's lunge knocked the box out of her hands and onto the ground. Asuka picked it up and stuffed it into her purse.

"Asuka... let's talk about this." said Misato.

"No! Just piss off, alright? It's got nothing to do with you!" She tried to move around her but Misato blocked her way. "I said _fuck off!_" Asuka shouted.

People were beginning to stare. A little boy tugged on his mother's skirt and pointed at them, and a man passing by in a business suit shook his head. Asuka blushed and turned away.

Misato took a deep breath. "Look, Asuka, I know you're feeling confused right now, but there's no need to-"

"Stop!" Asuka shouted hysterically. "Just stop it! I can do whatever the hell I want so get out of my way!"

Misato gripped her upper arm. "Asuka, stop screaming at me! You're acting like a child!"

Asuka wrenched her arm out of Misato's grip. "Don't you dare call me a child! Don't you dare!"

"Asuka!"

They glared at each other for a long moment. Asuka was huffing and out of breath, her heart racing. Misato had her hands clenched and her jaw set.

"Kaji told me about last night," said Misato.

Asuka felt a surge of white-hot anger in her chest. Kaji told Misato? How could he betray her like that? He was supposed to know how she felt. He was supposed to look out for her. She grinned horribly. "So, you're just jealous, is that it?"

"What?"

"You're just jealous of me and Kaji. That's the only reason you're here, isn't it? You're just worried I'm meeting him again!"

"Asuka-"

"You know he likes me that way! That's why you hate me, isn't it? You think I'm going to steal your precious Kaji!"

"That's enough, Asuka! You know that's not true! Get in the car, I'm taking you home."

"No!"

Misato tried to grab her again but Asuka slapped her hand away.

"Stop it! You're not my mother!" Asuka screamed. "I can do whatever I want so just leave me alone!" She pushed Misato out of the way and took off across the road.

"Asuka!" Misato shouted after her. "Asuka! Get back here!"

Asuka ran. She kept on running even after her breath came in ragged gasps and her legs threatened to seize up. Only when she reached the front of the hotel did she allow herself to stop and catch her breath. She leaned against the wall. Dropping her purse to the ground, she doubled over, clutching at a stitch in her side.

Kaji had told Misato everything. He didn't care how Asuka felt at all. He must have thought telling Misato about stupid Asuka and her stupid condom would make him look like a hero or something.

"_I'm supposed to meet Katsuragi at a wedding. In fact, I'm already a bit late."_

Asuka slid down the wall and hugged her knees. That was what Kaji said shortly before taking her home, and Misato had come home late that night. Had he blown Asuka off just to go see Misato? Asuka's face screwed up with the effort not to cry. Had he used the condom he'd taken from her?

"Asuka Sohryu?" said a voice.

Asuka looked up, quickly wiping her eyes on her sleeve. A tall boy stood on the steps leading up to the hotel doors, looking down at her over the side of the rail. He appeared to be in his late teens.

"What do you want?" Asuka snapped.

The boy looked taken aback. "Uh... I'm Kanta. You okay? You said to meet here, right?"

Asuka stood up. All right, this was it. No more crying. No more Kaji and no more Shinji. They had had their chance.

"Yes," said Asuka, firmly. She jogged up the steps and grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside. "Come on."

* * *

Sitting in her car, Misato dialed Kaji's number into her phone. It rang once, twice, three times.

"Come on, damn it. Pick up."

Finally, on the seventh ring, Kaji answered. "Yes?"

"Kaji, I need your help."

"Katsuragi? What's wrong?"

Misato ran a hand through her hair. "It's Asuka. She's... we had a fight. She's meeting some boy at a hotel." Misato could see them from the parking lot across the street. Asuka grabbed the boy's arm and dragged him inside the building. "She was buying condoms at the store, Kaji. I don't know what to do."

There was a short silence on the other end of the line. "I see."

"I don't know what to do," Misato repeated, her voice cracking. "I don't know what to say, Kaji. She won't listen to me. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't listen. I can't do this. How the hell am I supposed to know how to raise these kids? Shinji's all right, but Asuka... I just don't understand what she wants. It's like I can't ever say the right thing with her."

"Calm down, it's going to be fine." said Kaji. "Where are you? I'll come talk to her."

"What, you think you can understand a fourteen-year-old girl better than me?" Misato snapped. Her outburst was met with silence on the other end. "I'm sorry. I... I'm just a little shaken up right now. I'm scared, Kaji. What if she does something? I'm responsible for her. It'll be my fault if anything happens."

"I have an idea." said Kaji. "Where are you, exactly?"

* * *

"So, why did you want to meet here?" Kanta asked, hands shoved deep into his pockets. "I thought you'd want to go to some fancy restaurant or something."

"Do you really have to ask?" said Asuka, making a brave attempt at a sultry smile. "Hikari said you were hot, but she never said you were stupid."

Kanta laughed. "Hey, just making sure we're on the same page here. I knew you were hot, but I never thought you'd be-" he broke off.

Asuka looked around at him. "Never thought I'd be what?"

"What?" Kanta said, eyebrows jumping up. "Oh, nothing. I dunno where I was going with that."

Asuka turned back to the clerk. "One room for the night, please. He's paying."

Kanta smiled grimly and took out his wallet.

The room was small with a single bed, and not much in the way of decoration. There was a nightstand with a lamp on it and the thin metal shades on the windows were typical of cheap Tokyo-3 hotels. They reminded her of the kind they had on the windows in the hospital wing at GEHIRN.

Asuka set her purse on the nightstand and, while Kanta was busy in the bathroom, ripped open the box of condoms so it wouldn't look like she had just bought them. She looked around. The bathroom door was half-open and the light was on inside. It sounded as if Kanta was brushing his teeth.

Her jaw set with determination, Asuka loosened the ties on the front of her dress. This was it. No turning back now. She had to do this, especially after all those things she said to Misato. She had to prove she could do this or no one would take her seriously anymore.

Asuka was sitting on the side of the bed when Kanta came out of the bathroom wearing only his shirt and boxers. He sat down next to her, making the bed groan with the added weight. He slipped his arm around her waist and, for some reason, Asuka resisted a little as he pulled her close.

"What's wrong?"

"Y-Your breath smells, idiot!" Asuka snapped, going with the first lie that came to mind. "What were you doing in there, taking measurements?"

Kanta grinned. "I just brushed my teeth. Maybe you need a closer look." Without warning, he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.

Asuka resisted slightly, her body going stiff. She tried to kiss him back, she really did, but her body didn't seem to want to work properly anymore. She gripped handfuls of the cheap, scratchy covers, her toes curling in her shoes. Kanta continued kissing her, running his hands around her waist and up her back. He didn't seem to care that she wasn't really into it.

"You smell nice," he whispered, his lips moving down her neck. Asuka shivered at the unfamiliar touch. "Like roses or something." He dragged his hand along her right leg and, for a moment, Asuka thought he was going to pull up her skirt, but he kept going, stopping just below her breasts.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then gripped her right breast.

Asuka drew in an involuntary breath. He wasn't being rough, but he wasn't exactly gentle, either. He probably thought she did this sort of thing all the time. Would he be disappointed when he inevitably found out this was her first time? The warm, almost electric sensation spread across her chest like wildfire. He was using both hands now... circular motions... massaging her through the thin fabric of her dress.

_Save me,_ Asuka thought. _Save me, Kaji._

She could feel his other hand working its way up under her skirt, sliding along her thigh. Kanta leaned forward, gently pushing her down onto her back. He continued nipping at the sensitive skin around her collarbone, mashing his hand against her breast. He tugged at the strings that held the front of her dress closed.

_Save me, Shinji._

The door slammed open, bouncing off the wall with a crash.

Kanta looked around wildly. Asuka sat up, holding the front of her dress together.

Misato stood in the doorway, arms crossed and legs spread like she was posing for the poster of some action movie. "You!" she barked, jabbing a finger at Kanta. "Get the hell away from my daughter!"

Kanta went as white as a sheet. He staggered backwards, waving his hands innocently. "I... I didn't-"

"Misato, get out!" screeched Asuka, climbing off the bed. "Why do you always have to ruin everything? Just get out!"

Misato strode into the room, grabbed the box of condoms from Asuka's purse, and chucked it at Kanta. He flinched spastically as the box ricocheted off his hip, spewing unopened condoms everywhere.

"There, have fun with those." said Misato, grabbing Asuka's wrist and marching her to the door. Asuka tugged and tried to pull away but Misato's grip was like a vice.

"Let go!" said Asuka, slapping at her hand. "You're hurting me! Let go!"

She dragged Asuka out into the hall.

"This isn't over!" Asuka called back into the room at a stunned Kanta. "I'm not done! We'll finish even if I have to-"

"No you won't," Misato snapped at her. And then, turning to Kanta, she added, "Sorry, she has herpes."

Both Asuka's and Kanta's jaws dropped. Misato slammed the door shut.

"You're insane!" said Asuka, tugging her arm again. "Let go of me! You can't do this!"

Misato said nothing until they passed the front desk. The clerk was busy stemming a nosebleed. Misato caught Asuka looking. "He wouldn't tell me which room you were in," she said. "Something about the patrons' privacy. Nothing a little violence couldn't fix."

"You're going to regret this," Asuka said through gritted teeth, angry tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Misato marched her through the parking lot to the car and pushed her into the back seat. "I'm going to make you pay for embarrassing me like this."

Misato got into the driver's seat and started the car.

"Tell me why you did it," said Misato as she pulled out onto the road. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

Asuka crossed her arms and glared out the window.

"Don't ignore me, Asuka."

"You don't understand anything, do you?" said Asuka in a low voice.

"No, I don't, or I wouldn't be asking you." said Misato. "What made you want to have sex with that boy?"

Asuka scowled. "Don't say it like that!"

"Then how do you want me to say it, Asuka?" Misato snapped. "Do you even know the risks involved? Do you know how much you could've been hurt? You're too young to even be thinking about things like-"

"I am not!" Asuka shouted. "I am not too young! Everyone keeps saying that! _You're too young Asuka, you're just a kid Asuka, wait until you're all grown up Asuka!_ What were _you _doing when you were fourteen, huh? Tell me!"

Misato's expression hardened. "That's different."

"No it's not! I hate how everyone treats me like a little kid! You, Kaji, Shinji, and everyone! I hate it!" Asuka doubled over and grabbed handfuls of her hair, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I hate it! No one understands! No one gets it!"

"What is it that no one understands?" Misato asked.

"Everything!" Asuka howled. "Everything! No one understands me, or what I want, or anything!"

"What _do _you want?"

Asuka opened her mouth to yell again, then stopped. She thought of herself and Shinji lying next to each other during that violent storm, of Shinji cleaning up after she made a mess in the kitchen, of the way he smiled in that stupidly cute way when he was happy about something. Why couldn't she have that all the time? She remembered the special dress now crammed into her trash can and Shinji's expression upon being caught wearing Misato's clothes and makeup. Asuka clenched her hands.

Misato was looking at Asuka over her shoulder. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want, Asuka."

"Leave me alone." said Asuka in a hoarse voice.

After a few long minutes of silence, Misato stopped the car. Asuka lifted her head. They were parked at the end of a dark alleyway between two buildings. There was another car parked at the other end. Asuka could see the silhouette of someone smoking a cigarette in the driver's seat.

"Get out." said Misato.

Asuka blinked. "What?"

"Get out of the car, Asuka."

Asuka balled her hands into fists. She wanted to scream again, to kick the back of the driver's seat, to hit Misato as hard as she could... but her arms and legs were shaking, and her throat was sore. She wrenched open the door and got out, slamming it shut as hard as she could. The blue car backed away from the alley, pulled out onto the road, and sped off. Asuka glared at it until it was out of sight. She didn't care what happened to her anymore. She didn't care who waited for her in the other car. It was probably someone to take her away to some hospital or rehab center or something. Misato wouldn't want to deal with her anymore after this.

As she drew closer to the end of the alley, passing open dumpsters and piles of soiled cardboard boxes, Asuka began to recognize the car. She recognized the man sitting inside it, too.

* * *

Asuka sat in the back seat, her hands clenched atop her knees. The car smelled like old leather and cigarette smoke. The tan felt floor was covered in dark stains and pieces of debris. She shunted aside a coffee can with her toe.

Night had fallen by now. They were driving through the heart of the city, illuminated signs and windows flashing by like multicolored strips of neon. Asuka's shoulders and back ached. She kept her head bowed, her long red hair hiding her face. As much as she hated the silence between them she did not want to be the first one to speak.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kaji spoke. "Are you hungry?"

Asuka ignored him.

"You'll feel better after you eat something." He looked at her in the rear-view mirror.

Asuka hunched her shoulders. "Don't look at me." she said, hoarsely. She didn't want Kaji to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.

Kaji sighed. The car slowed to a halt at a stoplight. "You scared me today," he said. "When I got the call from Katsuragi telling me what happened, I thought you might've done something you'd regret."

Asuka said nothing.

"It's not a crime to want to feel loved, Asuka." he continued. "But there are other ways of getting that."

"That's not what I want." said Asuka.

"Yes it is," said Kaji. "That's all any of us want, really. And we'll do the stupidest things to get it."

Asuka slowly lifted her head. She could see his face in the rear-view mirror; he looked older than she'd ever seen him. His dark, sad eyes met hers and she glared at him.

"I'm sorry," said Kaji. "I love you, Asuka, but I can't give you what you need. I never could. Besides, it's not me that you want."

Asuka bowed her head again. She didn't want to talk about this at all, least of all with Kaji. He didn't understand. He told Misato about their secret date. He didn't love her, not really.

"What's going on between you and Shinji-kun?" he asked.

Asuka's head snapped up. "Nothing," she said at once.

"You like him, though, don't you?"

Asuka glanced off to the side. She remembered Shinji's stunned, fearful expression when she found him in Misato's room, lipstick smeared clumsily over his lips, Misato's bra hanging loosely inside his shirt. "No." she said. "I hate him."

"Why?" asked Kaji. "Do you think he hates you?"

"I don't care what he thinks." said Asuka, flatly.

"That's cold of you." said Kaji.

Asuka tightened her fists. "No," she said through clenched teeth. "No, that's not true." She stared down hard at her hands, forcing out the words she swore she wouldn't tell anyone. "I _do _care what he thinks, it's just that... it's that he always acts like I _don't _care, and he probably thinks I hate him, and I don't." Asuka kneaded her stinging eyes with her palms. "And... and I saw him doing something yesterday that I shouldn't have. Something weird. And now I don't think he'll ever like me." Asuka dropped hear head into her hands, hating herself. Now Kaji would know how weak she was. She should have been stronger, she should have kept her mouth shut, but the words continued to pour out like poison. "He won't even look at me anymore."

Kaji was silent for a long time. "I can't fix those things," he said, at last. "I can't fix all that for you, Asuka, and I wish I could. If I thought there was something I could say to Shinji-kun to make him think differently, I would say it. But I can't fix your life for you. No one can. That's something you need to figure out how to do yourself, Asuka."

"Easy for you to say."

"Why don't you tell him what you just told me?"

"Because he'll laugh. Or he'll hate me even more. Or he'll deny everything. Or he'll lie and tell me what he thinks I want to hear."

Kaji looked at her in the mirror. "And what if he's thinking the same thing about you?"

Asuka looked at him.

"What if he's worrying about the exact same things you are?" Kaji continued. "If both of you keep worrying about what the other's going to think of you, you'll stay locked in this stalemate forever. If Shinji-kun won't say anything to you then you need to say something to him. Otherwise nothing will ever change between you two."

Asuka swallowed. "But... what if he-"

"Don't think about that. Just say what needs to be said. Don't worry about the consequences. They might not be as bad as you think."

Asuka dropped her gaze. "I... I just can't."

"Then things will stay the way they are forever. It's your choice."

He stopped the car. They were parked outside the apartments where Misato, Asuka, and Shinji lived. A light was on in their apartment; Asuka could see it from the road. She opened the door and stepped outside, the cool night air gently whipping at her hair.

Kaji rolled down the window. "Asuka, promise me something."

She sniffed and wiped her eyes again.

"It's one thing to regret something you did," said Kaji. "But quite another to regret something you didn't do. Don't have any regrets." He rolled the window back up, started the car, and drove away. Asuka waited until his red tail lights faded from view, then walked up the steps to the apartment.

The lights were on inside so somebody must be home. She unlocked the door and, after stepping inside, hung her purse on the rack. _Just like last night_, she thought. Her chest constricted with nerves. What if she saw something else she didn't want to see?

The door to her bedroom was open and there was a light on inside. Asuka frowned. "Who's there?" she called, starting down the hall. "Misato, is that you?"

Standing in her room, wearing his school clothes, was Kaworu Nagisa. The slim figure of Rei Ayanami ducked out of sight, hiding behind his back.

Asuka flushed angrily. "What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Nagisa. "And what's _she _doing here with you? This is my last Ayanami-free zone and I'd like to keep it that way if you don't mind."

"Ayanami?" said Nagisa, feigning puzzlement. "No, Sohryu, you probably need to get your eyes checked. As for what we're doing here," he grinned. "Shinji needed to borrow some makeup, you see."

Asuka had to think about this for a minute, and then the truth hit her like a horrible, greasy lightning bolt. She peered over Nagisa's shoulder. The sight of Shinji cowering in a dress, his face dolled up with makeup, sent a horrible chill down Asuka's spine. She didn't want to see this.

"Oh my God... _this _again?" she said, reeling back. "And you brought _him _here with you?"

Shinji looked up hesitantly, his face screwed up as if he thought she was going to hit him.

"_Mein gott in himmel_," Asuka continued, her hands flying to her mouth. "You two weren't _doing it _in my room, were you?"

"No!" Shinji blurted, stepping out from behind Nagisa. "It's not like that!"

"Well it sure looks like _something _was going on," Asuka snapped, pointing at him now. "Look at you! God, you better not have been doing anything _weird _with my stuff. You're not wearing my underwear, are you?"

"Don't worry," said Nagisa. "I'm sure Shinji will wash them after he's finished."

Asuka and Shinji both gaped at him, horrified.

"What are you even still doing here?" Asuka snapped. She grabbed Nagisa's upper arm and marched him down the hall and through the kitchen. Shinji stumbled after them.

"Hey, I was invited in, you know," said Nagisa, chuckling lightly.

Asuka opened the door and shoved him outside. "Well, consider yourself _un_invited."

"Asuka, don't..." Shinji began, but she silenced him with a look.

"Goodnight, Shinji-kun." said Nagisa pleasantly.

Asuka slammed the door in his face. She turned to Shinji.

He took a step back, fear scrawled all over his face. He was going to try to run. She could see it in his eyes.

"Why?" said Asuka, and all the anger was gone from her voice. She felt tired. "Why are you doing this?"

Shinji dropped his gaze. "I don't know..."

Asuka clenched her fists. She had to ask him. If she didn't do it now, she would regret it later. "Are you... you know..." she hesitated. "_Gay_?"

"No!" Shinji blurted.

"Then why are you dressed like that?" Asuka continued, her voice rising slightly. He was wearing a dress that belonged neither to her nor Misato. Had Nagisa given it to him? Or had he borrowed it from Ayanami? The thought made her sick. "Is it because of me?" and then, to save what little dignity she had left, "I mean, I hate your guts, but I didn't exactly want to turn you off women forever or anything." She glanced subtly at him, hoping he wouldn't see through her act.

"It's not like that," he mumbled.

"Then what is it?"

"I don't..."

"Come on, spit it out!"

"It makes me feel pretty, okay?" Shinji shouted.

A ringing silence followed his words. They stared at each other. It was sickening, seeing him dressed like a girl. It wasn't some clumsy amalgamation of Misato's clothes and makeup anymore; the dress he wore fit him perfectly, and there wasn't a smudge of makeup out of place. Had Nagisa done all this?

"So," Asuka said, quietly. "you're gay."

"No," said Shinji. He looked down at the floor, his hands clenched at his side. "It's just... it makes me feel good. Wearing makeup and dresses and stuff." He looked up suddenly. "You know what I'm talking about! You do it all the time at school. You know, that thing you do with your hair."

Asuka narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What thing I do with my hair?"

"You know, that thing where your flip it over your shoulder because you know a boy's watching. Or when you flap your shirt to make your-"

"I do that because I'm hot, idiot!" she snapped, interrupting him. "It's gotta be, like, a hundred degrees in our classroom these days! I don't do stuff like that to get attention! What are you, stupid?"

"Well, everyone notices you when you do that," Shinji continued. "Even me."

Asuka blushed, taken aback. He really noticed those things?

"It's just that I wish people would look at me that way, too." he said, sadly.

Asuka could hear the blood pounding in her ears, but it was from a different kind of panic now. "You and Nagisa weren't doing anything weird in my room, then?" she asked, tentatively.

"No. He was just helping me with the makeup."

Asuka felt her heart plummet. Nagisa was in on it after all. That's why he told her to stay away from Shinji.

"You won't tell Misato, will you?" Shinji added, watching her fearfully.

Asuka shrugged. She put her hands on her hips and looked away disinterestedly. "Maybe."

"I'm really sorry I went in your room," Shinji continued, miserably. "I won't do it again, I promise."

"You're sure you're not gay or anything?" Asuka prompted. She had to know the truth. If he was gay, then that was it. The end. He would never want to hold her, or care for her, or any of that. Her heart pounded against her ribs. She never remembered feeling fear quite like this before. "Because you have to tell me right now if you are."

"No." said Shinji. "Really, Asuka, I'm not."

"Not even for Nagisa?"

"No!"

Asuka hadn't realized how tense her muscles were until the moment they relaxed. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from her chest, allowing her to breath freely and easily again. Shinji still liked girls. He wasn't gay or anything, he was just being stupid Shinji. Stupid, stupid Shinji.

"_Don't have any regrets."_

Asuka found herself smiling. "Okay, then." she said. "Next time you need help with makeup or whatever, why don't you ask me?"

Shinji stared at her. "Ask... you?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. Couldn't he for once just take a hint? "Look, idiot, Nagisa's not allowed in my room under any circumstances, but if you need help or want to borrow something or whatever, ask me and I'll help you."

Shinji mulled this over for a moment. "You mean... if I want to-"

"Yes," said Asuka, impatiently. "If you want to borrow makeup or whatever, I'll help you put it on."

"But why?"

"Why?" Asuka snapped. _Because I don't want anyone to steal you away from me. Because I don't want you to hate me anymore. Because I want to help you. Because I like you. _"Because Nagisa doesn't know crap about making you look good. That dress is hideous, by the way. Looks like something Ayanami would wear. You didn't pick it out, did you?"

Shinji was spared the embarrassment of answering when someone knocked on the door. Asuka looked around. It was probably Misato.

"Just stall her for a minute, okay?" Shinji called, bolting back into Asuka's room.

Asuka strode purposefully to the door. She didn't care if Misato was going to punish her or if Shinji would hear their inevitable argument and guess what had happened at the hotel. None of that mattered now. Asuka wouldn't let any of that bother her any more. She wrenched open the door, ready to meet her fate.

It was Rei Ayanami.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" she asked.

Asuka gaped at her. She was wearing the exact same dress Shinji had on.

"_Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."_

She suddenly remembered what Misato had said during their last sync test, and now it made sense. It was no wonder she had mistaken Shinji for Ayanami earlier. They were the same build, the same height. Even their hair was similar, albeit differently colored. Was Shinji's sudden fascination with wearing women's clothes just some sick attempt at one-upping Ayanami at getting more of his father's attention? Maybe she didn't have him figured out as well as she thought.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" Ayanami repeated.

"W-What?" Asuka stammered. She shook herself mentally. "Sorry. Yeah, he's here. Why?"

"I would like to speak with him. May I come inside?"

Asuka hesitated. If she told Ayanami he was sleeping or something, she would go away and Shinji would never know she was here. Asuka had been hoping she and Shinji could talk things over a little more and she couldn't do that with Ayanami snooping around.

"I... guess..." Asuka said, haltingly. If Shinji found out she'd sent Ayanami away that would only give him a reason to hate her. She stepped aside.

Ayanami sat down at the kitchen table.

"He was just getting ready for bed." said Asuka, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms. "He probably doesn't want to talk to anyone."

"Oh," said Ayanami. "I'm sorry. I won't be long."

Shinji came back into the kitchen at that point, devoid of makeup and wearing his school clothes.

"Shinji-kun," said Ayanami, standing up. "I am sorry, you were probably getting ready for bed."

Asuka's stony expression twitched into one of exasperated annoyance. What was with her, acting all considerate and crap?

"No," said Shinji. "It's fine. Is something wrong?"

Ayanami shook her head. "Can we talk? Outside?"

Asuka huffed loudly and rolled her eyes. Okay, forget Nagisa. Ayanami was the one to watch out for.

"Sure," said Shinji. "Asuka, I'll be right back."

"Mm-hm." said Asuka tersely. She didn't look at him as he passed.

Once they were both gone, Asuka dropped her arms to her side. Nothing would be the same after this. Even if Shinji's crossdressing wasn't the apocalyptic event Asuka had made it out to be, things would still be different between them. They would be closer, hopefully. Maybe they wouldn't fight as much. Maybe things would be a little better. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Asuka went into her room. Shinji's dress was lying on her bed and her makeup was pulled out and scattered over the top of her vanity. She ignored these things, however, and pulled the red, strawberry-patterned dress out of the trash bin, along with the crushed straw hat. She brushed it off and hung it up in her closet.

Maybe, someday when she was helping Shinji to look like someone he was not, she would ask him out on a date.

And maybe he would say yes.

Either way, she would still ask. And she wouldn't have any regrets.


End file.
